Will somebody PLEASE tell Aroon Purie to stop doing surveys on the single Indian woman and her sexuality?!?! NOT while I still live with my Barmy Marmy, please please!!! This is the conversation we had this morning at the breakfast table. She was reading the latest edition of India Today, eyes agog with wonder, when :-
BM(looking over her bifocals at me, trying to be nonchalant): This survey says that 42% of Indian women first have sex between the ages of 19 and 21. So?
I(saying to myself,"ugh, here we go"): What?
BM: Had sex? SEX?! (she's unstoppable now, and is rapidly flipping the pages of the magazine that is determined to make my life difficult) What about EROTIC LITERATURE?
I(deciding this conversation must be terminated): I'm a virgin, if you must know.
BM(unconvinced): Are you telling me that you're 22 and you haven't had SEX yet? (somehow she's screaming out the word "sex" - either for added emphasis, or because she's anxious, but doesn't want to show it)
BM(she should've been paparazzi): Not with that BoyWithBadTeeth? Not even with FoolishFace? WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?!?!?!
I(choking over toast): gngh?!
BM(arched eyebrows): Yes?
I(through gritted teeth): I don't wish to discuss my sex life with you. And I will NOT have you speaking disparagingly about my ex-boyfriends.
BM(agitatedly leap-frogging all over the place): AHA! So you Have had SEX!!! Guilty! Geeeeeeelteeeeee! Chi Chi, loke ki bolbe?! Shaawwwmaaaaaaj! AIDS! AIDS! AIDS! Biye debo ki kore? I'm going to tell Baba about all your doings, it will KILL him!!!
I(carpe diem-ly): Is THAT what U want?
Thankfully, I have a really cool and liberal mother, she was just trying to act maternal, for a change. She doesn't really mind if I do or don't have sex. I know that for a fact because she went on to ask me if I had ever masturbated, if I had ever considered doing it with a woman, and whether BBT and FF had had a problem with my weight or the size of my breasts, which for some reason she likes to believe, are miniscule. They are NOT. I'm no Jordan, but I'm a very good Plain Jane. They call us "real" women, nowadays. Being the person she is, Ma skipped important issues like contraception, of course. My mother really thinks she's 16. THAT's her midlife crisis.
I forego blogging starting NOW.