Thursday, April 06, 2006

We're All Doing Eunuchs

So, my mother's back from Darjeeling. Which means I don't have to keep house and go to fish markets any more. It also means chocolate biscuits, caramel, fudge, cheese straws, alpine cheese, skull cap, humongous umbrella that looks like it was made out of a Scot's kilt, 3 shawls - 2 of which look like they were stolen off a homeless person, and a pair of sneakers which, for some reason my mother bought and wore while she was there, but can't seem to fit into here, in Kolkata. My Mother has a sneaker-fetish. She owns 8 pairs as of now - would've been 9, but she lost a pair in Darj - how you can lose your shoes is inexplicable.
Oh, and horror - a prospective mother-in-law, who went with my mom - has ... bought ... and sent ... outrageous ... UNDERWEAR. .. for me! I've met her twice in my entire life, and she goes and buys these bra-slip type lacey things - 3 of 'em! They're very all-purpose - can fit every sexual fantasy - from seraglio to BDSM - but, but, that's not the point, of course. I can't fit into one of 'em - I mean, I know I'm not particularly well-endowed, but how small does she think I am?! Uhm, this isn't the point either.
The point is, that I'm not marrying her son - never seen him, don't know him, don't care much. And this is a little awkward - but I love the lingerie! :-[ Vexing. I should've guessed there'd be trouble when 13 cackling social butterflies and their husbands, all of whom seem to spend their days making complex calculations as to the bait, date and mate of my marriage, got together for vacation.
Meanwhile, costumes for our show are not ready yet - props are hazardous, or incomplete. My lines are alphabet soup.
Worse yet, I have a paper to write for the Queer Studies course - although I don't know why I should bother - there isn't much hope of my passing the course. Haven't much time to think of a topic, considering last date for submission of abstracts is tomorrow. Thought I'd write on our hijras. [Well, actually, I thought I'd write on Will & Grace, but I doubt I could make that very scholarly.] Turns out everybody's doing eunuchs. I'm doomed.

Nevertheless, let me go nibble on an almond rock.

21 comments:

Ron said...

Your potential mother in law is extremely progressive I must say, kore felo biye. Kharap ki :P

And of course one can lose ones shoes. One can take them off to enter a place like a temple and forget to put them back on, or discover that someone else has gone away with them , or absent mindedly wear someone elses shoes and go home wondering why ones feet feel so uncomfortable and tight...there are sooo many ways you see!!!!

Gamesmaster G9 said...

Write about the eunuchs who guarded Turkish harems, and deftly segue into seraglio. Proceed to demonstrate using lacy slips.

Anonymous said...

autobiography as a topic?

HAMLET POW POW POW said...

Alpine cheese from Darjeeling sounds speshul!

I wish I were in that course *sigh* There's so so much to research/write about. If you like photography, for example, Robert Mapplethorpe and others who queered the (well, already quite) classical nude with their provocatively homoerotic images.

rainbeau_peep said...

ron,
my mother claims she lost them in the car! I don't quite know what that means - but I think she would have us believe she got into the car with em and got off without 'em. :-[ But then this is the same person who once put her specs in the microwave, so I suppose anything's possible.

gamesmaster,
Proceed to demonstrate using lacy slips. wtf?! u calling me a eunuch?!?! Felbo na... i mean ... khelbo na. :-|

dan,
I could be cliched [as u r] and say,"No, biography. Yours." but note how I shan't. I shall twiddle my thumbs and ignore you and not take ur calls.

ham pao,
and ur telling me this NOW?!?! When I have to submit my extract tomorrow morning?!?!?! bleddy hell. but kewl - i'll keep this as a substitute .. thank ye!

Anonymous said...

haj(g)io na ekdom haj(g)io na!

panu said...

DONT YOU STEAL MY QUEER PAPER FROM UNDER ME GIRLY!! W&G's MINE!! MiNE!! ALL MINE!!

*Looks around maniacally for anyone daring to take away something she's FINALLY found.

BTW darlin, err... did you see PC today? she was supposed to take the abstracts today, was'nt she?

I could not find her.

Damn

Deepali said...

hey!
I once lost one shoe in the car. Well I thought it was the car until I realized it must have fallen out when I took them off [long long car trip]. And Papa Dearest refused to consider going back to States to look for the lost shoe at one of the numerous stops we'd taken *sad sigh*

what?!It's normal to lose shoe(s) like that.

jhantu said...

Err i have heard potential wannabe bfs/fiances/husbands sending lingerie, but mother-in-law!!! holy mother of hell i mean holy mom-in-law from hell!!! next u know u might receive some cool s&m stuff. now tht wpuld make ur day, or night or whtever

rainbeau_peep said...

dan,
stop flooding my comment box with ur silliness. or i'm gonna tell the whole world who u r.

panu,
my dear misguided gaydar. i wasn't aware that u were doing a paper on will and grace - you may have 'em. But Jack's mine. he belongs to me. i OWN him, u hear me?!?! [i mean ... in a purely fantastical way ... not in terms of scholarly discourse, of course]. and uhm ... pigeon-holes...who needs professors when there are pigeonholes?

dee,
so ur telling me it's not just my mother? the whole world really is a giant froot loop factory? that's a relief!
:-|

mj-nahi-who(?),
it would've been wild had i harboured plans of marriage to son of said prospective mom-in-law. considering that i don't - it's awkward. [last heard, my mom and this lovely lady were hotly debating the yellowness and largeness of my teeth. people, i tell you, are strange. i have since washed my hands (and brushed my teeth) off the subject].

Rimi said...

Didn't see that bit about the almond rock coming. Guerilla tactics, I say! :P

And ei potential mum-in-law ektu...erm, dicey type mone hochhe. Maybe she has these Mature threesome fantasies. Who knows? You stay away, girl!!!

Anonymous said...

In most of ur blogs there is an unnecessary sexual innuendoes.. something to do with bed, underwears and as for the matter even sex.No denying that u have a flair when it comes to writing but can humour not survive without the sexual flavour?

Anonymous said...

I agree to the previous comment completely,since I have been following your blogs for quite a while now.I mean,whats the point you're trying to prove?That ur hot?Available?Or is it some other crap?I'll tell u something(Don't heed this as an advice,coz i dont like preaching) : The more you carry on the way ur doing now(and try to convince urself that its in,or wotever),the more u'll find ppl flocking towards you..All kinds.But u'll keep on losing the ppl who could have meant the most in your life(I guess i hv read this somewhere in your previous blogs),and trust me,such ppl are rare.Very rare.
You had mentioned on Sep 02,2005 : "But i always had love."Has this particular reason made you so confident?Let me tell you something..Love is precious,and its rare too.Dont just think that u "always had love"..try to treasure each and every moment.They are precious,and they might not come again.
Don't think i'm cursing you.I'm just trying to tell u a few ways of life.Maybe you won't pay any heed to this now,as you seem to be very proud and confident about yourself,but there'll come one day when you will.Trust me,u will.A day when u won't find a single person around u who can matter.
Lets hope you get the whole point before it gets too late.

Deepali said...

rainy dear you have arrived. Moral police and such mark the arrival of true popularity ;D

rainbeau_peep said...

rimi,
the wedding's off, i tell ya! i'm not falling for any mom-in-law who breaks ekta kapoor konventions of kruelty!

anon1,
my dear, of course the innuendoes are unnecessary! they go with the flavour of my posts, which are inane! however - the underwear was not an innuendo - it was a statement of fact! And i'm sure humour needn't be raunchy - but ever since i realised i was Satan's love child, I've only tried to live up to expectations. :-]

anon2,
*sigh*
U actually made me go back and read my own posts - do RESEARCH on my own blog! U shan't be forgiven for this, you know.
I'm not trying to prove any point here - i have no moral agenda - i did have a different sort of agenda, but that fell through once people I know actually started reading my blog. That I'm not trying to give out any aura of hotness or sexiness, you will find in several posts that describe my exact weight and height, I've had posts talking about, from how many kilos overweight i am to the colour of the pimple on my right cheek to the number of strands of grey on my head. [ref. e.g.: post 11/04/2005 - since we're doing this your way!] I don't suppose I make myself sound available, because even though I consciously try NOT to mention him these days - if you DO indeed read my blog regularly, as you say u do, then u should have known that I am in love with a person named D, and i make no bones about that. I will not speak about the post on sep. 02, because that is exactly the sort of post u will NOT normally find on my blog - i steer clear from expressing what's going on in my head, because certain things belong only to you and to those whom u know will care - a public blog is not the place to display one's weaknesses, and of course all of us have those. Who I really am, and what my life is all about - is not quite made evident from reading my blog, u know! u seem confused about doling out advice, because first you tell me not to heed it, and then you predict that i will have to, one day. I appreciate ur sentiment, but ur wrong about having people flock to me - i'm an intensely private person - my juniors in college, who blog will tell u that i practically snarl at them, and run away when they come to talk to me. However, ur right about valuing the presence of those in one's life who really give a damn - the rare ones. I'm learning, is awl i'll say. U paint a very bleak future for me- one only gets about as much love as one gives, and who says that proud and confident people can't love? :-D But just in case I'm single at 40 and living alone with 17 cats, promise u'll still read my blog and be as worried about me as u r now? :-]

Dee,
what can i say? i want to thank God, my parents, my computer, and blogger for giving me this wonderful opportunity! Oooh, I'm so nervous i could cry!
:-]

Acroyali said...

:D, mother in laws can be WEIRD!! once, just after her youngest daughters marriage, my thakuma gifted her new son-in-law a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey!!!

poor pishamoshai of mine was extremely dissapointed with mother-in-law's perception of him. and he doesn't smoke.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the tardy correspondence.I have been a bit busy of late.
As i was going through your reply,i felt that u have misunderstood my earlier comment at a few places.
First of all,i didnt mean that ppl are already flocking towards you in large numbers(making ur residence a "tirthasthan" or anything).You are no baba.What i meant was that leading a hectic life and having a casual approach towards life(again,im not hinting anything towards you,since im not completely aware of your whereabouts or your life.i hv just read a few blogs coz i liked ur flair in writing.I just felt that ur life may hv a similarity with what i hv just mentioned)generally attracts a large amount of unnecessary attention.

Secondly,even I dont think proud and confident ppl can't love.What i tried to say was that ppl who are overconfident about themselves are the ones who generally dont like listening to advice(again,im not hinting towards u).One more thing.Pride is not a very good quality one can possess,I feel.However successful one might become in one's lifetime,one should always remain humble.In fact,i was more than a bit surprised to find out that u had actually paid a bit of heed to my advice.I am generally a silent observer,don't like to comment,and hv always been like that.Coz i feel that u can't change a person by advice or comments.If one has to change,one will change by one's own will.

Gosh!I must discontinue with this,coz my reply is getting bigger than my original post.For someone like you(relax..by that,i just mean someone who thinks differently),most of my comment must be awful and disgusting.Something u generally see or hear when u visit an ashram.LOL.I know.And I apologise for that.I still dont know what had got into me that made me write so much.

I could have told u much more,a few more tips maybe,but i guess i ll end here.All the best.

P.S. :You won't be alone at 40,and living with 17 cats,and so i wont hv to lurk around from hidden corners anymore.U know y?Because "One gets as much love as one gives".Maybe you're right in saying you have not valued the presence of that "rare species" in ur life(or rather,u hv not been able to hold on to them,which is y ur so sad,a sadness which remains hidden from the rest of the world),but i ll tell u what..the amount of love you give,even for a very short term u spend with them,gives u back much more.I'll give u an example.I still pray for the well being of my ex-girlfriend,just because she had loved me to the extent no girl will ever be able to.Maybe the duration of us being together was short,but that doesnt matter to me.What matters is "how much" love u have received in that short period,not "how long' u have been receiving it.As far as i am concerned,i feel that i had got much more than enuf,and even if today she is in love with some1 else(and has forgotten me),there is no reason to be upset or feel bad.I continue to pray silently for her well being as I always have.

Teleute said...

Ah! So that's a snarl is it, every time I see you in college? And here I thought it was a come-hither look, for me and me alone. Sigh. I'm heartbroken.

And you didn't even think to include me - your most devoted lover - in your list of people to thank. Evn though I stared at you staring at the blank wall in the east.

Now I will go to the window and stare outside and sulk.

a said...

I also write incessantly about sex- and frankly, that is a clear cry for help. We are people who have to coexist in the world with hot sarah jessica parkers who get so much action and still angst all the time. Please light a solemn candle for us next time you pray silently.

The loss of shoes is a very believable tragedy. Happened to me- when i bought a pair of chappals off janpath and took off work-shoes and went to watch a play with the work shoes in a bag next to me. Just that they chose to part ways out of a feeling of rejection. The new pair are to be blamed.

samit said...

i wish people came to my blog and displayed such concern for my lifestyle. but i suppose i would have to get a life first.
the moral police are all taken, and i dont particularly want the immoral police.
dang.

rainbeau_peep said...

acroyali,
Totally huha such individuals are. Like my mashi, who gave me a pack of benson & hedges and 555 each, as a gift, after I got through law school [which I subsequently dropped out of]. Heh, my father didn't speak to her for half a year or so, after that! Didn't speak to me either - considering he'd assumed I had left smoking years ago. Smoke over troubled waters and all that, it was. :-|

anon,
Ok, listen. Ur forbidden to be serious on my blog henceforth, u understand? NOBODY gets away with being serious on MY blog, u hear me?! We try being silly around here. It's even fun, sometimes.
I'm sorry things didn't work out between ur girlfriend and u - life goes on, u know. Time won't stop for u to keep hurting. Honestly, what can I say? I barely know u. I could try consolation - but it would be very insincere, wouldn't it? And no, I don't find ur comments disgusting - although u do have a pre-conceived notion of who i am. I think u mean well - u should, because i mean u no harm!
Ur tips and advice are quite welcome at psychedelic_chains@yahoo.com
but no more here, please!!! Ur ruining any aura of uber-coolth that i may have cultivated!

Utey,
dyke snarl, come-hither coquetry - wozza diff, yo? s'long as i feel fanatic love, u be happy like a good oomans.
And u to keep quiet, ekdom!!!! Devoted lover?!?! hmph!!! U come traipsing in with ur A na k, and THEN u sit in the FIRST row!!!! To terrify the crap out of me!!!! Here, I am, trying to exhaust and torture the audience, and then I see U! And I blush and gag and can't look that way or terrorise people in that part of the theatre anymore, which was a distinct inclusion in my to-do list. Oshobhyota egulo.

a,
I get ur point. But then, sarcasm apart, i don't write incessantly about sex and i wish all hot sarah jessica parkers well- they live their lives, and I live mine - with several ounces more carbohydrates snuggled in my love handles.
Lol about the shoes - there's an us-n-them in That world too, eh?

samit,
Really, now! You live a vh1 fabulous life - only, i would imagine, without the bling and the Tinkerbell. I can't imagine why they'd leave u alone, either. Must be the facial hair. Oh no, wait, I've got that too.
And the immoral police, I've heard, do a mean striptease if ur throwing a bachelor party.
[something tells me i've spoken about sex again].
*wrings hands in glee for next batch of comments*
:-D