Sunday, May 07, 2006

John Woo Peep

Incident I :

Golpark, near Mouchak. Around 6 in the evening, a crowded kerb. Lovers waiting for each other by the weighing machine, biker dudes fielding for bejewelled, nubile women lash-batting on a lipsticky wicket in shapeless Gariahat footpath petticoat skirts and crinkly tissue-paper tops. Rainbeau Peep dragging her oversized bottom and giganormous jhola like the thieves on the Cross. [read: tired]. ARSEhole steps in front of her, elbows the breast she barely even has [maane she Has Two. But Barely. Uff. stick to the story]and smartly skips away. Rainbeau Peep in an astonishing show of strength of mind and body catches him by the scruff of his untucked shirt and marches him to the traffic policeman, uttering such legends as,"Cholun! Cholun! Baar korchhi oshobhyota!" On flashback, she may have clutched on to his arm while crossing the road to get to the cop, but we shall hope such things didn't happen for the sake of maintaining the Peep's superheroineism.

Incident II :

Same week. We find our superheroine, Rainbeau in a taxi, hair in a bandanna [mathaye gamchha, if you're going to be a stickler for the truth] to hide the remnants of zinc oxide, left over from a dress rehearsal. On the unwieldy middle of the Dhakuria bridge, the taxi, ignition off due to horrific traffic jam, slides backward and gently makes love to a motorcycle, standing behind. Enraged mobike dudes come up to taxidriver, grab him by the collar, call him names, say he will have to pay - all this time looking Rainbeau Peep in the eye and smiling crookedly. Cars honk, go past. Biker dudes refuse to let Peep's taxi budge [although no damage has been done to their decrepit old mobike], whip out 2 cellphones each, and punch in numbers, by now grinning at Peep and occasionally punching the cabbie. Peep's insistence on taking the matter to the police station fall to wax-blocked ears, as know-it-all [read: no-wit-at-awl] dudes say the matter MUST be solved in the middle of the bridge. Nobody really knows what the matter was, though. Crowds gather, people tell our young anti-heroes to just leave it be and get on with their lives, but they're juggling cell phones like an action sequence gone horribly comedic. A sergeant comes after some 20 minutes of screaming, tells cabbie and bikers to go to the Lake Thhana, and chugs away without a care in the world. Happy with the way things are going, BD 1 takes his bike and sets off for the police station, BD 2, slides into the taxi, next to a fuming Peep.
Our superheroine decides, it is time for ze action [repeat: akseeyown]. As the cab turns around and makes its way back down the bridge towards the Dakshinapan side, Rainbeau finds a whole entourage of police jeeps and policemen waiting outside the mall - clearly a sign from God. Being late for an appointment, Peep carpe diems, in a manner of speaking. Tells the taximan to stop in front of the jeeps - howls to bewildered and now blubbering biker punk to "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" [yes, Peep writes awl her dialogues herself. Pliz to not plagiarise.] jumps out of cab[like jackie chan, mind you] goes to the policemen [a good 30 of them gather around to pay a gamchhaed Peep a whole lotta heed], explains to them how unkaalcharred young men of this generation, maane ki bolbo apnake syar, have been harassing her, daring to sit next to her without permission, creating a ruckus over nothing, not letting an ambulance pass on the bridge [really, they didn't] and sundry such offences.
Lots of interesting things happen, but to cut a long story short, taxi-sliding punk is asked to step into a jeep, taxiwallah is asked to follow the jeep to presumably the Thhana, another taxi is hailed for our heroine by chivalrous policemen, Gotham City is saved, as it were.

Indicent III :

A couple of days back. Elgin Road in the boiling heat of a sweltering afternoon. Having emerged from Forum after some shopping for Aunt, Rainbeau Peep steps into a taxi, seeing as how a sunscreen lotion would cost just about the same amount as the taxi fare to get her back home. Very economical, is our Rainbeau. {Very broke too} Traffic jam. They're always trouble. Taxi stops right across from a paan shop, opposite Big Bazaar or whatever that place is. Henna-haired young man sips his Pepsi and gawks at Snazzy Sunglasses Peep. Aah very well. Peep looks away. Taxi doesn't budge. After a while, having looked in all directions in dehydrating hopelessness, Peep turns back at the direction of the paan shop. This time, Henna Crooknikova winks at Peep. And then, slowly, taking his time, sticks his fat pink tongue out and licks his thick dark lips, eyes still fixed on Peep. Taxi does not move. Man repeats routine of winking, smiling and licking lips. Peep does not find his brand of flirtation quite so very bewitching. That's it, says RB to herself. To the cabbie, she says,"Ek minute". Gets out of the taxi, walks up to the man, standing around 30 feet away, gives him a resounding slap across his sweaty face, [Background sound: Fataaaaaaak] walks back to the taxi and gets in without a word. Taxi does not move for another 20 seconds. Lucky for Peep, the man was too stunned and still holding his Pepsi bottle to react. The last time RB tried the resounding slap- during a theatre workshop- it only ended up in an ugly, unintentional, scarring scratch.
Anyway, there may have been some slight whimpers of "Bitch" and ... never mind - but the turgid male ego went, as Aishwarya Rai says best,"Phoooos!".

The point is, I used to be very scared of reacting. I'd quietly slink away, ignore, look the other way. Most people I've said this to, tell me I should be more careful, because I travel alone so much. But this ... uhm ... emancipation is .. uh ... addictive! [At this point, observe our sylph-like heroine getting attacked by gnarling anti-feminists]. Help!

35 comments:

samit said...

If you ever need a trusty sidekick, let me know. multiple catchphrases, non-stereotypical costumes and lucrative comicbook offers guaranteed.

Teleute said...

And can I be there taking pictures and all for posterity? I will even buil JW Peep up so that she completely will outshine and outstar and outrank catsuit clad Halle Berry.

Teleute said...

*build, I meant.

Deepali said...

good work RB, our damsel who refuses to remain in distress.

Now pliss to replace the other screeching bimbos in B'wood and save Dee from visual,audio, mental harassment :D

DD said...

hoo haa, simply hoo haa. :D

Gamesmaster G9 said...

No, no - pick me, pick me. Then we can be Raven and Beast Boy.

Nahuatl said...

Hmm... "Fataaaak" target practicing?? :P

rainbeau_peep said...

samit,
1] catchphrases - when i'm standing atop a vanquished sexual offender begging for mercy at my feet, "I'll be qvack" is not going to work in my favour as an effective catchphrase.
2] my costumes are not to come from duckeshwori bostraloy. we are the too coolz here.
3] when i'm suspended in mid-leap, about to footfight another villanous pervert, i do not need my trusty sidekick whipping out his feather quill to capture the moment in ink. there's a fine line between ghost-writing and footfighting. that line, donald trump tells me, is, "You're fired."
For the t.s. test, then, you score a duck. [but lets discuss the lucrative comicbook offer nonetheless]. :-D

Utey,
You, my blossoming poppy, can do absolutely anything you want. You may even have a lock of my fast-becoming-rare hair to wear in a pendant round your neck. The superwoman doubles up as a lovestruck Lothario.

Dee,
Hai daiyya! But my indian avatar wears the maharashtrian style sari and wields a spatula to make her villains leap from the frying pan to the fire!

dd,
hoo-ya! haa-ya! [ogulo karate chop]. Porte bosh! :-]

gamesmaster G9,
Be Raven and
Beastie Boy and do what? Join the Mickey Mouse Club?!?! We're saving the bloody world here, G9.
[pliz to not bother sending DC comics weblink. ve haf googled awready]!

nahuatl,
yes, and pretty regularly too, alas! :-] [what does nahuatl mean?]

samit said...

1) you CLEARLY need someone to do your catchphrases for you
2) garn. ah well.
3) you completely missed all my cunningly hidden hero abilities because they were, well, so cunningly hidden.
(small voice) judge me by my mild-mannered alter-ego, would you?
all right then. shall gather cape and cowl and shuffle off to my unfashionable hideout. other heroes who don't make the cut here (sniff) are welcome to join.

Srin said...

I crush you so bad now.

Dreamcatcher said...

you be brilliant. i am now immediate fan.

Nahuatl said...

The name is Nahuatl, just Nahuatl :P
I'ts pronounced as naa-waa-tl, and it means "A member of any of various Indian peoples of central Mexico" or "The Uto-Aztecan language spoken by the Nahuatl people".

Gamesmaster G9 said...

Oh my goodness. The love, it is too much. It overflows. It BUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNSSSS!

rainbeau_peep said...

samit,
cunningly hidden hero abilities, eh? i've been through your blog, i've seen that picture of you in your superman costume, pretending you've just saved lil Rehaan from the End of the World. You don't fool me, you don't. I know who the Real Hero was in that pic. Rehaan shows promise. He has that air of "*yawn* Don't mess with me *yawn*" which shows cool confidence. I like. Besides, he's prettier, I'm afraid. Maybe i'll make him an offer over GoogooTalk.

srin & dream,
aah, my faithful devotees! Come to me, bare-breasted with your garlands of wildflowers and we shall bathe in milk, sing dulcet odes and gambol in my sacred grove.

nahuatl,
it sounds tres exotique! also, for some inexplicable reason, it makes me crave toffee walnut now that i've said it to myself about 5 times. But then, practically anything will make me want food.

uh ... Beast Boy?,
You may beat your breast and scream,"owwwowowowOWWWWWW", you may kill a bear to vent your frustration, or ram your head repeatedly into a scaly conifer, but I scoff at your advances. My allegiance lies with King Kong. and him alone.

samit said...

heh.
of course rehan is coolerconfidenter than i am! but i'm sorry, you dont get rehan. he's a Hero, not a trusty sidekick wannabe. anyone who tries to sidekickify him gets, i don't know, quacked at?
and if anyone had said anything about prettiness being a factor, i wouldn't have applied. rampant discrimination against the uncool and the unpretty. fine. be that way. gambol in the barebreasted grove, eat nougatl and be merry. Beast Boy and I shall find other franchises to sidekick, though we will watch you spatuling evildoers with pride and regret nicely mixed until we die, and dying, forget.

rainbeau_peep said...

samit,
Awrite awrite! Enough of the emotional quackmail awready! Here's the deal - when we're old, retired superpersons and our musclechest jumpsuits and radioactive(?) capes sag on our shrunken bodies, maybe Beast Boy, You and I will sit sipping elixir on our inter-galactic patio and watch approvingly while Rehan and my own superangel spunkyprincess kick some badass together? [other people's badass, that is.]

Gamesmaster G9 said...

King Kong, eh? For you babeee, I could be a big hairy (green) ape. (Come to think of, it... not much work required).

Will you climb scyscrapers with me, my little hairless primate? We can feast on milk-marinated bare-breasted virgins as we wave at spandex-clad Rehan and his plucky aide, the Mighty Duck flying by on nocturnal emissions.

samit said...

JWP: Done.

Ani: ew

panu said...

bolte nei baby peep, tor luck tai kharap... tabe jemon ekbaar tui bolechhilish, style korte gele kashto korte hoy. Oi sab gamchha,Oxicde, road chashma... ar tar upor tor gorjaas mukhuti, kon chhele na chaibe??

ar moreobhar, tor ass ta na hoy ektu mota, tai appeal beshi. Ei hip hop er juge flip flop beshi chole, noyto korbi (pun) ki??

BOL??

Anyway, ajke (read 13th) PC queer er khata debe bolechhe. Jodi jash, dekhe nish.

Ar bhalo korchhis haramjadaguloke marchhis. Ogulo oijonnoi jonmechhe.

panu said...

*thums up and all that (not pepsi)*

Ar ummm... o... iye.... oxide spelling ager post e bhul chhilo.

Gamesmaster G9 said...

MISSION, MISSION, I meant MISSION!

rainbeau_peep said...

gamesmaster g9,
1] why 'green' ape, in particular? stop being such a fashion whore. hmph, green! just coz dolce & gabbana say it's the colour of the season! i scoff, i scoff!
2] i've seen you. ur incapable of being big and hairy. YOU, are slender and white. in FACT, if u took off your shirt and stopped having sex, you'd be quite the bare-breasted milky virgin, wuntcha? so ok, fine. you may take the darkest grimiest corner of my seraglio and watch in emerald envy as my favourite, my queen, Utey sits perched atop my lap, feeding me grapes.
3] I have absolutely no part to play in the Mighty Duck's nocturnal emissions. Of course, I wish him all success in such noble endeavours.

panu,
dilkhoos kore dili mairi e ushno ekaki dupure! kintu gorjaas mukhuti'r kotha tumi bolona! snan kore beriye haathe chhobra niye, porone towel joriye cobra dance ta ami naachi na mairi! "Uff ki HAWT ki HAWT!" bole chhelera amar jonyo heley porey na!
aar amar brihot puchchoti niye kono kotha hobe na! oi queer course er bamboo ta 5 maash dhorey dhukey royechhe, boro hobe na to ki hobe? ekbar end-sem ta diye di, amar booteh niye footeh jaabo mairi, oshob hNyap hNyap course theke. boro chaap er byapar.
aar tor ei msg ta robbar porchhi, kajei nombor dekhte jawar scene nei. anyways, thenx for the telling. jodio o nombor dyakha aar na dyakha ek.

samit,
Right.

g9,
OFF! OFF WITH HIS ...

*sigh*

just get off my blog.

:-|

Teleute said...

Oh how I love you now! Can they be little purple grapes? We want to stay away from the green as much as possible.
And I promise neither to be virgin nor bare-breasted.

Gamesmaster G9 said...

(Suitably chastened, slinks away mournfully with tail between milky white legs.)

PS - does regrowing the virginity count as a superpower?

rainbeau_peep said...

Utey,
You shall have grapes the colour of rainbeau.

[notice how i could towtully write erotic literature. classy ones too.]

gamesmaster g9,
Do u mean chaste or chastened?

p.s. -
for women : Not quite. I believe the doctors do an artistic cross-stitch and it's good as new.

for men : I dunno, does performance anxiety leading to hyperventilation and a general anatomical misdirection otherwise known as groping about count as a superpower? Nah.

of course, such deep issues fall outside the scope of the Peep's otherwise vast knowledge.

Rimi said...

Tow-taal diva!

And bloody inspiring. (Maane, I was also the running away type only, don't you know...)

Rapid I Movement said...

Jaa jaa!!...:)

Rapid I Movement said...

Jaa *taa*...ie...
and btw...oi barely breasted breast and oversized buttock...anatomically ektu anti hoyey galo na?...
But, but...again...byapok post!

rainbeau_peep said...

rimi,
I practiced by beating up my friends' boyfriends. Feel free you know, there's always a first time! :-]

rapid i movt,
iye ... shotyo prokash koriya lojja deben na. :-[
aarey vye, orom unique pNepNe'r moto chehara ki shochorachor dyakha jaaye naki? koto koshto korey toiri korte hoye! keu mormo-tai bujhlo na! :-[

ushmi said...

next time amakeo niye cholo nago...ami dekhe tekhe aaaro inspired hoye jabo...
*haaaaaaaiiiiiiiiyyyyyaaaaaaahhh*

rainbeau_peep said...

ushmi,
lechchoi lechchoi. ami jey shobar [beef] roll modayl hotey chai.

*eeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaa*

oh wait, ota mone hoye gordhobdhoni. e vava. shomosto vocal superpower ghNete gyechhe.

ushmi said...

nana...according to our class 6-er hindi text books gadhara bole:
HENPOO-HENPOO

ushmi said...

text book*

rainbeau_peep said...

ushmi,
uhm. we shall refrain from translating the bray as 'henpoo', henpoo being the name of a friend's boyfriend [boddo hNapaye bole] who was also the director of my *ahem* internationally acclaimed short film where i essayed the legendary role of a character most imaginatively named 'Chief Bitch'.

panu said...

Just read this post again. Nearly fell off the bed laughing.

Somehow, its weird how much I miss you sometimes.

Maybe you will never read this comment. Maybe you will delete the blog without even looking at this. Or worse, maybe this blog will be left out, bereft in the dust.

I hope to see you again, Peep. I hope to see you again.