Friday, June 23, 2006

JUddho

Every year, there comes a time, [precisely between 9 in the morning to about 3 in the afternoon] when the average JUDEan stops and thinks. Muses philosophically, speculates on such profundities as 'aim' and 'purpose', let us say. Of course I specifically mention the 'average' JUDEan because the rest, who emerge either out of psychedelic hazes of smoke, or, alternatively, the Departmental Library, indulge in such speculations on a regular basis.
This year, that frivolity-eclipsing time was today. The Day of The B.A. English Honours Entrance Examination. When you walk into University to find those who would normally break out into Dylan or tapdance to counter-revolution- waving sheets of chart paper with room names and lists and pens and cellotape, you know you've been caught on the wrong foot. And having been thus entrapped, you're more likely to be dragged by said vanquished foot and thrown to the parents. Oh. The Parents. They're hungry and they will pounce. They will fling names and academic boards [the occasional writing board too, if you're not careful] and children at you, it's a wonder Animal Planet doesn't cover them. There you go, philosophical musing #1: Why doesn't Animal Planet do a program on parenting rituals during examinations?
Anyhow, it is precisely when you're done politely swatting away the 137th parent from entering the exam hall to assist their wards and change their diapers and breastfeed their 18 yr-old toddlers, and you see another swarm rushing at you, that you stop. And you think. But then again, there's a very slim chance that you might actually be me. In which case you'd be stopping to think the moment when, 10 minutes before the test is scheduled to commence, you cast a casual glance in the direction of the classroom you're invigilating in, only to find that forms, questions, answer booklets, and such assorted sundries that make up an exam., are not there. Have not arrived. The individual in charge has executed a classic no-show. So you flail your arms about - everyone's doing it today, and you call up professors who tell you to run a circle round the earth, with a stopover at the English department, which is precisely at the opposite end of your [or my] immediate world. Hmm. And then.
Now, don't get me wrong, maybe the entire purpose of my existence really is to jog about the entire campus and deliver that bottle of water to Bulti, or to tell Chompakoli that her mother wants her to wipe her face every time she sweats, but I'm prepared to risk trying a different sort of life, yea? Especially when I have to go hunt for a supervisor for a bunch of hapless kids minutes before they're supposed to start writing the test.
God, however, works in strange ways. Who i get is this tall hotboy - whom, incidentally, I mistake for an examinee. I glare at him and tell him to stop walking about the classroom, only to find that he's long since perfected the glare, and is indeed, distributing question booklets. Of course, under such strained circumstances, there's rarely much else to do but gulp. Following which, he turns out to be a trifle silly - thereby reinforcing my belief that good-looking men are NOT the ones to go for. Somewhere through our meagre interaction, he tries to convince me that I'm a woman named Kohini who lives in Behala and plays cricket. I'm not very sure why, though. Must be the humidity. Nice man, but. Laughed good-naturedly when i tried to nick his cup of coffee off him.
And because I have dinner plans and am frightfully late, let me leave you with some FAQs at the JUDE entrance exam:
* Will my paper be cancelled if I scratch out 'and' in this sentence and replace it with 'if'?
* Can I leave some blank space? can I begin writing from page 2 instead of from the bottom of page 1?
* What is the length of the average essay in JU?
* How do I pin up my sheets with a pin?
* I play cricket with my friends every evening. Do I also have to meet the Head of the Department? [asked by a very scared individual, once the announcement about Sports Quota candidates having to meet the HOD was made]
* Where's the coffee? Why haven't invigilators on this floor got their coffee? Has Pradipta been embezzling the coffee?
* Frooti. Where's my Frooti? Which sorry fart's face do I have to smash to get my Frooti?
* Fuck. More parents. With more questions. Is it time to light a cigarette yet? [Women in JU have always resorted with favourable results to the Cigarette Smoke when alerted by a Code Red Parent Attack].

21 comments:

babelfish said...

i bawa, hotboy was not smart?? twagic :(

Abhijit Gupta said...

hurhurhur

DD said...

ki holo re amar bhaier? :))

Rapid I Movement said...

And may I politely ask, what the fuck is wrong with Ma-Babas being over-protective about their kids?
Just because mine didn't/don't, doesn't mean others can't.
My dear dear jethima used to "pora dhorto" to my dear dear cousin not only throughout school but during his undergrad years too (he went to JU incidentally), which, might I say, drove me a leetil jealous at times.
I'm terribly fond of parents who dote upon their chanaas, I tell you!

Srin said...

The highlight of my inactive day on duty was a girl screaming up at me from the bottom of a flight of stairs, "SEMINAR HALL! WHERE IT IS?".

Gamesmaster G9 said...

As I have said before, I firmly believe that principal causes of Bong kids are Bong parents.

Rimi said...

Hehe, this kid in my class forgot her NAME! HEr name , Peep! She forgot her name! Wot hilarity only!

Anonymous said...

Random parent at Lobby gate demanded to know "uporey bathroom-tathroom acche to, na ki ami ekhane koriye pathabo?" Much valiant bending of truth was required to dissuade from sending ward to go squat behind the bushes.

rainbeau_peep said...

bab'ly,
what a waste of a good face, bol? :-[

Tintin da,
Yes, certainly. First you make me run from pillar to post, playing rugby with anxious parents, and now you want to be all smug about it. Very well. FINE!

DD,
Ki abar holo? Nishchoi Foucault, Lacan aar Jung er biography likhlo! Tor bhai ke niye aar kono kotha shunte chye na ami. Gordhob ekta. Ami personally giye or kan muley debo, ekhon philo department ta kothaye ami jaani. :-|

Rapid i movt,
My dear child, I come from a family that, at the age of 2 and three-quarters bore no qualms about throwing me into the Lakes to "joler shonge bondhutto" me. And when I, again, at the age of two and three-quarters gasped and snivelled and said I wanted out, they told me drowning would mean going under the water, where I'd be getting a rare glimpse of Nagmoni's beautiful palace. So don't come to me with stories of unprotective parents who've scarred you for life!
[Aah, getting that out felt so GOOOD!]
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go sit in the corner, scratch a wall, and write in blood.

srin,
the highlight of my day would have to be bursting into the AV room, and breathlessly exclaiming,"NEI! NEI!" while the Don, placidly informed me,"Aachhe. Pathiye diyechi. hNapachho kyano?" That man is omniscient, I'm telling you.

gamesmaster g9,
Yes, the fundamental thing about all great men, is that their greatness has been achieved by stating the obvious. And while we're at it - you may look like a cross between a rehabilitated mafioso and the whitest member of the Ku Klux Klan, but you shall please refrain from referring to us as contraptions to smoke pot in. :-|

rimi,
Very suspicious elements, many of them were kintu! This one kid spent precious writing time explaining to me how she'd chopped off her hair and lost weight, which is why the photo on her form looked nothing like her. Maane, I didn't even ask for an explanation!

Anon,
LOL! And we had parents who pretended they needed to pee just so they could get access into the PG Arts building and go rushing to see if the fruit of their loins had been given a royal seat and royal questions and faithful invigilators to help them write their papers. It iz zust zyata.

arundhati said...

remains of the day:
from a joo form:relationship to guardian-good;sex:normal

ki volvo!

me(rushing into don's room):jol!jol!

don: hmm...aage shoja hoye dariye "jana gana mana" ga to dekhi.tobey bhaba jetey parey.

and before i forget, from the joo answer script:
Q:correct the following: "i can't help but fall in love with you"
A:"i cannot help you but i can love you"

*ahem*

Pradipta said...

Nochhar meye! You are accusing me of coffee-churi? Kan dhore moley debo.

@ Rapid I Movement - I'm not saying that it is a bad thing - the existence of overprotective parents, that is - but it tends to be just a tad overwhelming when close to two thousand and eight hundred students turn up with at least three point five parents each, and they all bear down on you, screaming.

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Stupendous. Quite stupendous. "All was gas and gaiters, not to mention joy and jollity".

Does this pagan ritual happen only once a year? I would have thought you'd all be addicted to it by now.

Two questions -
1 - HOW can you be somebody from Behala named Kohini?
2 - Why is Tintin laughing like a Discworld heavy? (Or is doing a Nobbs?)

J.A.P.

rainbeau_peep said...

starlet pimpernel,
hain, lol, egulo to jaani. very illustrious bunch of newbies we're likely to get.
achha, let us do something productive with our lives, shall we? get ur butt to college, kid. Saw MI3, btw. The part where he flies up the vatican wall to declare "humpty dumpty sat on a wall" like he just averted the apocalypse - spellbinding.

Pradipta!
You read my blog! What a shocking revelation, you reading my blog is! I mean, who knew!
:-| *natokbaaz*

J.A.P.,
Once a year is quite enough for a hands-on training in disaster management!! We're still many of us yet to recover from frayed nerves due to emotional assault and battery.
As for your questions:-
1] It's really quite inexplicable. The sort of thing that the X-Files series was scripted upon, I reckon. I'm not in a position to comment, really.
2] Said individual marks my answer scripts. So I shouldn't comment, really. Of course, not having read any Pratchett also serves as a good alibi.

arundhati said...

starlet pimpernel!!"starlet" porjonto thik chhilo, a"pimpernel" ta ektu beshi barabari holo na-ki?maney, allusions to mysterious,dashing,french revolution hero/spoil-sport notwithstanding,the name somehow conjures up images of kinky pimp of nubile thai starlets who insists his clients and "girls" call him"colonel".ergo, starlet pimpernel.
nah, i preffered "starlet". let us return to "starlet".
aar ami jantam,:tor oi "humpty-dumpty" part ta hebby lagbe.
and am dragging my butt, and everything else therewith to coll at about 5.30.see you then. ta-ta.

Ron said...

Ah!! Bong parents! Brings back memories of Higher Secondary. I was the only one who came to write exams unattended by worried parents. What a freak I was! Btw, Tam/Kannadiga parents are no less, saw them in action during my college admissions here...ki shanghatik!

the wizard of az said...

I lost weight running around with candidates. No, really. The jeans that fit me in the morning were loose by the afternoon. By Murphy's Law the candidates who sat in Darshan Bhavan and Pharma were actually supposed to be as far away as possible- Engg. Science! Stupid Murphy!

Pradipta said...

Ekta juto jokhon chhnure marbo na, tokhon bujhbi moja.

HAMLET POW POW POW said...

I heartily wish the smallpox on the next person I run into who breaks out into Dylan.

rainbeau_peep said...

star pimp,
look look, we now have a nickname for ur nickname! [or would you much rather be known as the female lead of such legendary Bangla chhobis as ruposhi dohai tomar and guru dokkhina, a certain Ms.Roy?]. Incidentally, as far as i'm concerned, scarlet pimpernel is an indian racehorse who has won quite a few people quite a bit of money. And no, we won't go into how i know this.

Ron,
I was among only a handful who went unaccompanied by parents to write all exams. as well! Ah, guess it would've been nice to have a daab-sondesh mama who sat all day exchanging recipes outside school with other parents. I mean, sondesh is always welcome, if not the rest.

woa,
Unfair! I didn't lose any weight! I never lose any weight! Life isn't worth living anymore! Oh wait. Come to think of it, you did part of my work for me. :-D Also, stealing extra food packets does not a thin 'oomanz make. :-[

Pradipta,
Juto chhNurey maarle sheta moja hoye jaabe? Magic show naki?
Nehaat ami amreekan bhashaye kotha bolte paari na, ta bole ki ami manush noi?!?! amar ki bNacha'r odhikar nei!!!! E opomaan ami shojhyo korbo naaaaaa!!!! Ja aaj theke tor shonge shomosto shomporko shesh amar. :-|

Ham Pao,
Wotakando! Dylan, he good. Make peace with Dylan forthwith. I mean, it's perfectly awrite to write songs about petite boys n awl that - but we can still love Dylan!

panu said...

Hotboy to tao tui peli... amay to mohilaparty samlate holo. BTW, Sunechhi ADG naki last time kayekjon mohilake cigarette biliyechhilo to go smoke and make parental clearance.

BTW again, Victoria's Secret er Fashion show dekchhi ar tor katha mone porchhe... Keno jaani na.

rainbeau_peep said...

panu,
chaw paliye bey kori. ekkhuni chaw!

unless ...

WTF, are u insinuating that i remind u of SEAL?!?! are ya, ARE YA?!?!?!

Ja, bey cancel. :-[