Sunday, June 11, 2006

Who knew, Tell Me Who?

  • That biriyani is not breakfast food. Treating it as a cereal-substitute will do unflattering things to your stomach, and make the toilet your throne for a day.
  • Exercise is murderous. It is ley taal [lethal]. It will kill the Doric columns that are masquerading as your thighs, but will not reduce them to any sort of anatomical normalcy.
  • Eating a meagre 4 times a day can be next to impossible. Not even if those meals include trips to cafes for 'chocolate fantasy' and cappuccino. Incidentally, who knew, tell me who?, that the waiter at Cafe Coffee Day will look at you like you were some sort of hobo scrounging for your next meal when you ask him why you haven't been given the free cookies that they served at the Lake Road outlet. I mean, what's the deal with a "limited period offer" on free cookies, goddamit?!
  • That your old amreekan girlfriend, who has never understood discretion, never had a taste of etiquette, will scream out,"What, girl?! Are you humping the waiter? Are ya, are ya?!?! You're not gettin' no cookies unless you hump the waiter!!" and put a malicious significance to the repeated use of the word 'hump', while other members of your own and neighbouring tables look at you and your hysterical girlfriend like you're .. uhm ... drunk sluts attending church service? Yeah .. that kind of look.
  • A Peep, lying shawtaaan on the floor, thighs suspended in mid-air with a [Swiss] ball between her legs can make the only 2 pleasant-looking young gentlemen in her gym debate the merits and demerits [demerits, mostly. not even a debate, they were pretty much agreeing on everything] of a unisex gymnasium. Last heard, they had drastically altered their workout timings, so as not to come across Rainbeau making weird contortions with her body and groaning for a bit of air, also simultaneously cussing last night's dinner. The bastids. Don't know what they're missing. Cuz I'm gonna be slim some day. Oh yeah, baybeh! yeah, some day.
  • A woman, talking about her weight and body is a turn-off! I don't geddid - it's OK for men to obsess and fantasise about the female body, but not OK for a woman to stop in the middle of the road and whimper sorrowfully because she's just caught her bottom on the shop window and it's HUUGE?! Men! When will we ever understand them?
  • A mildly persistent man will become a positive stalker after you tell him you're a lesbian!
  • Oh, and this is priceless. A certain MMS, whom we know as much for her nyakami as for her underclad celebrity daughters, will come to examine the gym, look snootily at Panting Peep on the cross-trainer and in her trademark lilt, ask, expressing doubt,"Are these machines effective?"


March Hare said...

but biriyani can be substituted for cereals...I have done so numerous times...(without any repurcussion whatsoever of course!!)

Acroyali said...

best of luck!

Anonymous said...

Atleast you don't try stomach crunches with the swiss ball only for it to coolly slide away from under you while you SPLAT! on the ground in a crowded university gym with 2 more years left to go.

Mmmm it can always get worse

p.s. what is nyakami?

Madhura said...

i've lost 5.5 kgs in the last four months widout doin ne excercise... ho yuss!!!!

chitra said...

i have a great diet! starve mon-fri and eat all u like on weekends :)

P.S: It does not work!!

Poorna Banerjee said...

ah beeyach...these are the days of our JUDEan lives... but truthfully, i prefer you with some fat on your hips... gives inspirations to fabulous spankable-ass fantasies....

Anonymous said...

I have always found a 10 km jog in 45 minutes or thereabouts far more effective than any gym or diet. In fact it allows you to have cheesecakes for breafast - leave alone biriyani (and lunch and dinner too - and you can have icecreams as well) :-|.

Anonymous said...

The fat is in the fire, with assinine thoughts cooking ... (and I am being asked to verify my post by typing seuxhhc ....)

Ron said...

But this certain MMS has no right to be looking snootily at well endowed people on the cross trainer. Last I saw of her, she gave a whole new definition to the term well endowed!

And let me remind you of the advice you gave me...go easy on that horrible contraption called the treadmill..quite awful,,taar theke emni emni raasta giye dourano bhalo.

PS: Did I ever tell yow much I haaate thin people!? Thin people who eat and eat and eat and still remain thin!? *sobs*

Rimi said...

Is the MMS bit true? Izzit? Shaala lookit yerslef, lady! (maane, MMS, not you. Hehe, what suggestive type name only)

Rimi said...

And this Ushmi needs to be put through a meat mincer and had in a sandwich for lunch. Whole new level of nirlojjo.

Unknown said...

Keeeeyaaah! try some karate. Delivered fresh every monday and thursday at your very own university. Great for toning the stomach. Am still not quite up to speed so am practicing at home now: will rejoin when better. Love your blog! and welcome to WIP. If you want to join WIP blog send me your email address and I will send invite. Mine is on my profile.

Madhura said...

rimi-ke: "tomar hingshe amar anando"
(a la bus-graffiti)

Anonymous said...

'look snootily at Panting Peep on the cross-trainer .... ,"Are these machines effective?" ' umm.. which ..err ..machine was this much .. umm.. appreciated MMS talking aboout ?

rainbeau_peep said...

Aah, clearly you do not have irritable bowel syndrome, then. There is something about waking up ravenously hungry at 6 in the morning, and stuffing your face with greasy biriyani, that is not quite right.

aren't u, like, a runner?! like, an athlete? I mean, shut up!!! Having puffed and panted on the treadmill, I now despise individuals who run for fun. I'm telling you, it's positively a perversion to exert one's body so!

OUCH! That must've hurt! Hmm, i've stolidly refused to swing about on that ball thingy - that instructor tries every single day to make me roll all over the gym floor with it under my belly, supposed to work wonders for the abs. I'm not falling for it, in every sense of the phrase. Nyakami is difficult to explain, really. I read on somebody's blog that it's latest meaning includes mawkishness. mawkish + coy = nyaka [which is the adjective], i s'pose.

ok. listen. girl. I'm telling you, you're very verrry close to being banned from this hallowed blog portal. on this portal, we worship the portly. people like you, represent evil. we do not want you here. we cover our eyes and hold a beef steak up to you to protect ourselves from your low-fat presence. We shall overcome.

! ! ! I do not understand such things. I look the other way, when such things happen, I shut myself out from the vicinity of such phenomena. Why would u subject yourself to such torture when you know it doesn't work? Honestly, you're courting gastritis and all sorts of ghastly sounding ulcers - if you're not careful you'll have to end up having to drink frozen milk every half an hour to save ur soul [really, some kind of cure for gastric ulcer or something]. If i'm not fed every 4-5 hours, I can actually feel my stomach drying up like a raisin - it comes from years of staunch disregard for biology lessons. Obviously, we come from different worlds. Me, I live in Candyland on Cholesterol Lane. A happy place to be in.

ish. ki shob homoerotic kothabarta public space e. dhikkar!

Wodda?! You wanna kill me?! I run on the treadmill. In spurts. That's plenny of work for me. Never really bothered to check how much distance i cover jogging in the same place.

what do u want me to say? all i can think of is how ur name could be a nice a.k.a for a bladder disorder.

Array hain to, that's my point exactly!!! You should see this movie on the Bowbazar Barracks that she's acted in [releasing shortly]. Ma go ma, there's a scene where she's waddling up the street with some kids and cake, wearing a silver velvety dress. she walks in slo-mo and u can actually count her love handles. Not to mention that scene where she's wearing a bra and a petticoat - and only these two articles of clothing. One of those moments when you don't wanna look, but can't help gawking, aghast.
And do not advise running rastaye to me! The last time I ran by the lakes I ended up 9 stitches to my knees and a bonus 5 kilos to my blossoming bod. Very distracting, iye, that lake place. ahem.
As for thin people, it's best to ignore them. Remember, the force is with us. We can sit on em, if all else fails. That gives me courage.

absolutely true. a trifle exaggerated maybe, but true nonetheless. :-| as in, she was there, she was asking after the machines. i was there too. take these 3 facts and put them together to make a good writing in practice exercise - and you have what is mentioned in the blogpost. :-D
And ushmi, really, that isn't a thought worth chewing on. You need to have a lean meat sandwich,spit it out in disgust, and quickly order a cheeseburger to know what i mean. now, you and i in a sandwich [separate sandwiches, i.e.] - that's what good things are made of!

Muchos gracias! Now if you will only love consistently for another 6 months, we shall all be a clucking happy family. :-D Oh, and karate, yes, it's definitely cheaper than a bottle of cobra pepper spray, which costs upwards of Rs.400, but tell me, does it entail punching chests and kicking groin areas? I do not do unto others what i will not have done unto me. :-|

"duur haw, porarmukhi!" [a la angry shashuri in haranath chokkotti mobhie.]

she was talking about the cross-trainer. It's a gigantic bicycle cum rower thing - if you've seen 'Lost In Translation', it's the machine that went mad when Bill Murray was on it.

Spin said...

I cant eat in summer, feelsick. Altho I JUST had two grilled chicken sandwiches and tea and pineapple upside down cake at 6 in the morning. Dammit, I feel sick.

Poorna Banerjee said...

homoerotic chhobi tangiyechhi bloge, giye dekh.

Madhura said...


Rimi said...

The 'you and me in sandwich' bit saved you.

How, HOW could you forget you saw mawkish (almost)=nyaka on MY blog? Hello, MY blog! Haw! Shocked and appalled and now sulking in corner.

Put up new post, lazy bum!

rainbeau_peep said...

must be the pineapple. always gives me chulkuni. of the gola, i.e. :-|

dekhlam. zyata publicity stunt page hit barano'r procheshtaaye. chhyah! Oposhonskriti! Thhuthu feley duubey mor!

Yeah, that's right. Now yer talkin'.

E bawa! I completely forgot to! Darn silly of me, considering that word was shrouded in green when i was thinking about it. should've figured that was ur blog background i was seeing. Bhery shoary. Imagine me cooing soothingly, wontcha?

Poorna Banerjee said...

chuprao... Adbhataijment koroni tumi jeno??