Friday, July 28, 2006

Raja Ko Rani Se Pyar Ho Gaya

Because the house wakes up in spurts, between 4 and 5:30 in the morning everyday, the house sleeps between 10 and 11 every night. So the other night was no different. Lights out at 11 and I'm lying in bed thinking of the day when I'll be allowed to sleep on my bed in my room, and not have to hear my mother snoring or waking up and watching CNBC in the middle of the night to check what price stock markets all over the world have opened at. If no man wants to marry me because all that's left of my face are a pair of dark circles around the eyes, you know whose fault it is.
Anyway, I'm quite the thinker. I can lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and draw concentric circles in my head. Sheep float in and out of them, and on some days zinger burgers on wings. I can wonder for hours whether 1 is a prime or a composite number. I can rue not having been able to figure out permutations and combinations. Or calculus. I'll turn on my side and fret over whether I'll wake up with dengue in the morning. On days I'm feeling optimistic, I think of waking up with Johnny Depp.
Continuing thus with my philosophical musings and thoughts that will change the world, I heard the sound of a motorcycle. I haven't been a fan of the motorcycle since it started being owned by men with shrunken penises and big egoes. Something was happening to this motorcycle, though - here, in front of my house, at the ungodliest hour of the night. It appeared to be growling in crescendo and pacing about in a flurry of activity. Of course, behind all devilish activities, there is a man. I held my patience for a while and lay waiting for the bike to go away. But it didn't. And then I heard a man slur and yell for a particular 'Rani'.
Now, I'm not Rani. Never was. And if your going to be a man slurring his speech in front of my house at a quarter past 12 in the night, you're pretty much trying to do the mambo on my nerves. So I got up. Giving this illustrious individual benefit of the doubt, I figured maybe he wasn't screeching at my house and calling it Rani. Maybe he wanted a neighbour. In which case I'd be happy to provide directions to the edge of eternity.
I look out the window and there he is. Going round and round in circles on the bike - like a dog looking for a good spot to poop in. By this time, I'm very very angry. He's not even bloody pretty-looking.
I'm assuming anyone who deigns to read this blog understands hindi and bangla. So I'm not going to bother to translate.

Me: Erom majhraate chNyachachhen kyano bolun to?
Drunk Dude: Raniiii-eh! Raniiii-eh ko bulaooooooo! Abhi bulaoooooo!

My Hindi. It's dynamite.

Me: Kaun Rani? Aare bhai, iNha pey koi Rani-bani nahin rehti!
DD: Raniiiiiiii-eh! Aaj mein tujhe ley ke jaooonga nahin to yehi pey jaan dey doonga Rani!!
Me: Aare ki mushkil! Hum aapko bolta hai ki iye Rani ka ghar nehi hai, aapko bishshaash kiu nehi hota?!
DD (ok, he's very very agitated now): Raniiii ko bulaooo! Abhi bulaooooo! Maar daloonga! Rani Ko BULaoooooo! Bulao bulao!

By this time, the caretaker of the building next door is up. He's not only up, he comes out with, 1. A torch [even though the street is sufficiently lit up in orange], 2. A whistle [ I haven't a clue why], 3. A stick [honest].

Old caretaker (most suspicious): Didi, apnar bondhu?
Me: Aare na rey baba! Kotha theke eshe tokhon theke Rani Rani kore chNyechiye cholechhe! Ektu dekhoon to!

The stick appears to have elicited a favourable reaction from our friendly easyrider. He's cooled down drastically, and is eyeing the caretaker warily.

Caretaker: Ui chhokra! Idhar sey jao nahin to hum poolish ko bula dega!
DD (reasonably): Mujhe sirf Rani sey milna hai.

Suddenly, it dawns upon me. My mother, pleasantly snoring at that moment, goes by the name Indrani.
Egad! Was some ugly twit half her age harbouring romantic feelings for my MOTHER?!?!?! Seething with rage, all non-violent thoughts vanished from my mind. I wanted to tear his well-oiled hair into tiny shrivels and scoop his brains out and mash them with my stilletoes.
Nudging my mother awake, I told her some crazy boy was screaming out her name.

My mother: Baaje bokish na. Ghum bhangiye dili! Thhash kore maarbo!
DD: Raniiii!
Me: Shunle?!
Ma: Uff. Choti khule maarbo, jei hok na kyano.

She sprang out of bed. When my mother is angry, she can take a hundred Saddams out of ratholes and make them pee in their pants.

Ma: Aei, ke rey tui? Bhaag ekhan theke nahole Police ke phone korbo! Darwanji aapni okhaane dNariye dNariye moja dekhchhen kyano? Maarun na dhorey!
Caretaker: Madam, maarbo?
DD: Aunty! Rani kahaan hai?
Ma (she's up in smoke. she's about to rip apart the window grill, jump out of the window and pounce on DD down below): RANI?!?! KONO RANI NEI EKHAANE! DARWANJI OR BIKE TAAKE DHORE RAKHUN TO, AMI POLICE KE KHOBOR DICHHI!
DD: No no, please! Galti ho gayi aunty. Mein shayad galat gali mein aa gaya phir.
He revs up his bike again and is gone in a flash.

Don't drink and drive. If you wake up my mother, there'll be a vision of hell you don't want to see.


Teleute said...

heeheeheeheehee! :D

jhantu said...


Ron said...

my mother would have probably said, "ahare bechara koto kore rani ke khujche" and other such misguided sympathetic things. Siiiiigh!! Mothers!!

March Hare said...

haaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa...and the funniest part was..everytime you referred to the drunken dude as dd...someone else's face (I think you can guess who) flashed across my was MOST HILARIOUS....hehehehehe...:P

Rapid I Movement said...

Ei naa holey doshobhuja?!

Maa goh maa...korunamoyee maa!

Nayan said...

y all memorable incidents happen to u only? :)) hilarious

Dipanjan Das said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dipanjan Das said...

@rainbeau: jata harami giri.

@sensational: bujhechhi, my new profile pic on orkut, mone hochhe. X-(

rainbeau_peep said...

hyukhyukhyuk :p

but, true!!

aha! far better soft sympathy than fiery rage in the middle of the night!
But yes, mothers. They always make me wonder.
[how is biye shopping going? make sure u do the chocolate facial,kintu. it's the new gaaye holud. biyer aage korte hoye. er erotic implications guno na hoye na-i bolloom. :-p]

Oh? Oh, dear?! I didn't think about that AT AWL, now did I!?
*nyeh heh heh heh heh* :-D

rapid i movt,
doshobhuja kina bolte paarbo na, kintu onyer gari'r chaka'r hawa khuley ditey kokhono kono shonkoch bodh koren ni amar ma jononi. Aar chance pelei amar bondhuder laathhi gNutho merey thaaken. :-[

it's because i live in an alternate universe where we're really all circus clowns and monkeys on skates trying to take over the world. :-]

? bawa, tomar hobe guilty conscience aar dosh debe amaye?
Aamar poskaar mon, eishob mithye opobaad moteo shojhyo korbo na!

Bee said...

rainbeau,i want your autograph.honest.

Anonymous said...

i'm going to kol after 5 years n it seems that everythings just hunky-dory........

Rimi said...

Uff uff uff! The soopaarstur does it again!

Baat the luurst la-een was mean kintu. I love it! Shall pinch it a few days hence when I talk about me mum on me blog.

Rimi said...

Oh, btw, amar mayer naam eej also Indrani. There is remarkable similarity in behaveeur petaarn also. I am being most amazed only.

Rapid I Movement said...

Ei jey...shobedhon nilmoni aktai haath...otar dikey koboddar nojor debey...

Ota geley akebaarey paatari gutiyey baari pheroth jetey hobey :(

rainbeau_peep said...

And I want your skin, your waist, and your shiny silver kolhapuris.
Do we have a deal here?

sure it is. just don't come near my mother when your drunk and looking for your girlfriend.

from whatever i've read about your mother on ur blog, she's a mild flower. A pretty pink carnation only, wottotell. My mother - aah .. she's quite something. At this very moment she's making a stock broker pee in his pants - i can tell from the way she's screaming at him over the phone.

rapid i movt,
boro kottheen tNyash-resistant bangla. er uttor e amar ki bola uchit? "Yeh haath mujhe dey dey thakur"?

scorpionragz said...

aaaaaaaaah for mothers like urs!!!!
seriously yaar, why things happen to u only?? what's ur alternate universe?? maybe i'll move there too. sounds fun. are there any fish??
btw, do u know my mumalso wants me to start gymming??
gracious, do something!!!!!

rainbeau_peep said...

we hop about on one leg and scratch each other's arses. it's lots of fun, but no fish. we eat rhesus monkeys on sticks.
as for gymming - you don't need to fecking gym. u got good bod.