Saturday, November 18, 2006

The Psychological Trauma That Is A Masters Degree

Example Un:

Me(18 hours before the Modernism Core internal, for which i have neither the texts nor the notes- hanging from the ledge, as I am prone to, before a test): Fish!!! Do you have notes!!!
Fish ( visibly perturbed, as she is prone to being, every single day of her life. Hullo, Fish, I know there's a thin chance you're reading this. But you do always look hassled, love): Vulva! Labia!
Me (nonchalant, as if that's just the sort of reply any normal human being would expect): Yes, that's alright. But NOTES?!?! for tomorrow's TEST?!?!
Fish (being cat on a hot tin roof): 85 rupees! For print outs! Bloody gender studies paper! Labia clitoris! Majora minora!

Kind readers, please note that Fish is not to be confused with our friendly, neighbourhood Babelfish, who has always been endearingly referred to as Bab'ly on this peace-love-n-harmony promoting blog. Inquisitive readers must therefore not assail Bab'ly with questions about female body parts and suchlike. Leave Fish alone too, of course.

Example Deux:

J (emerging from a classroom with glassy eyes, a grey-green pallor to her skin, and laughing like the devil): HAHAHAHAHA! Humanism porikkha!!! HAHAHAHA!!! I used the word 'madness' in every sentence of every answer!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
(proceeds to make some particularly distasteful jokes, till I lure her into Milon Da's and guzzle coffee down her throat)

Example Trois:

Squee(on the day of one of the 21 thousand tests we've taken in the last couple of days, grinning like a pleased peach, following a very loud and very public confession that she knows nothing): Don ko pakarna mushkil nahi, namumkin hai
Me (poring over notes and occasionally looking in the direction of Gate No. 4, for Knight in shining armani to arrive with a halo of smart perfume and an entourage of Mercedeses): Shutki, shutup.
Squee elocutes the entire plot of Vivaah, which she has watched and is very excited about.
Me: Look, I'm going to bury you under my mound of xeroxes.
Squee: AAHISTAAAA AAHISTAAAAAAAAA, HUM SHAHEED HUYEEEEE!
(she claims this is a song from some film starring Abhay Deol. Yes, she's seen it. Yes, it has the potential to become the next pre-exam Departmental anthem, following in the footsteps of such masterpieces as "gaand mein danda" and "mujhe sutta na mila")

The times they are a loopy, my friends. The department is full of raving lunatics, overstressed, underslept, scuttling about with term papers in their hands and murderprofs in their eyes.

Me, I shouldn't be writing this at all. I have yet another test and yet another paper to submit on monday. Right now, I am supposed to be writing things about Shakespeare. And then reading some about how a conniving *cock-a-doodle-doo* named Jacques Derrida, wrote a million pages of theory because he wasn't man enough to admit he didn't know the spelling of 'difference'. Bloody hell. No, really. Man wrote an essay about a spelling error and called it his theory of deconstruction. Or at least I think that's what happened. I am so not passing that paper. I mean, what else do you expect, when the classes for the course entail your professor wanting to know in all seriousness, the answer to his query:-
If the Mona Lisa is in the Louvre, then where is Hamlet?

I mean, really. Wot the fuck. First "wherein lies the bedness of the bed?" and now this.
Excuse me while I bang my head against a stonecold wall.

Anyway, this post is in honour of my friend Rahul, who has just informed me that he reads my blog! Hey ya, Rahul. :-] Stand up and take a bow, will ya? And don't forget - only 12 years to D-Day. :-p

20 comments:

Abhijit Gupta said...

murderprofs in their eyes...oppurbo, oppurbo. only, can we have choice of weapons? i, for one, would like to be given the quietus (not the other pliss note) with a poisoned heroic cutlet, or perhaps with a particularly sharp stilleto-wearing anapestic foot

rainbeau_peep said...

tintin da,
lol. would you settle for a quatrain comin' up around the bend? with Bob on your side, you could prosod[y/ie].

numb said...

hmmmmmmmmm toh shesh kale holo??? oh and DON DEKHTE HOBE!!!!oh and whr is hamlet??im interested to know....maybe then i'll pass my friggin exams!!!!oh n loads of other things which i cannot mention here...if u get my drift!!! khek khek!!

"sen"sational said...

I have a simple query:

1. Why the fuck did Hamlet bloody DELAY so much???
Why??
Why??
Why??

Anonymous said...

Wherein DOES the bedness of the bed lie? I'd really like to know...in fact, I'm supposed to know, only I don't.

And what do you mean by Hamlet delays? That implies he actually DOES something constructively in the end, but he doesn't. All he does is think about doing things, and then events overtake him, and he ends up killing Claudius and Laeres quite by accident.

Rimi said...

The boss is back. *rock on sign*

Aar porikkha ke patta dio na. Pooh pooh, porikkha.

rainbeau_peep said...

"sen"sational,
eki. aare. child. BREATHE.
uhm, had he not delayed, would the world have experienced the beauty that is the "to be or not to be" soliloquy? me, i'd rather have hamlet brooding about the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune than going on a murderous rampage.

anon,
uh. ignore my near-5 years of scholastic learning. i'd say, it lies in the quilt. but the greeks of yore think otherwise.

rimi,
ke bolchhe dyakho. porikkha has been duly pooh-pooed. i spend my days at inox and land up in college for 3 square meals.
but you? YOU, i repeat, indignant. wherefore the sloth? give us this day our daily post.

panu said...

iye.... suttar por shaheed??

shuntki ar gaan pelo na?

bechari tui

derridar dosh nei, frenchra emnitei ektu gaand mara hoy.

Bob(vuv) said...

Hoifuckingmoi!!!!!
jab dil hi tunt gaya, hun ji kar kyaaakareyyyyyy!

bob said...

also,finally finished termpaper.after comp crashed,had to start over and then mother board collapsed,with term paper, and then was retreived after days , and then found out term papaer doc had been edit-locked, and then internet explorer stopped working so cldnt mail for printing. whew!where is shutkee?i need to rewind.is she game for wathcing vivah again?

bob said...

iamhic!

just.

rainbeau_peep said...

panu,
bolishney. watt lag gayi mamu oguno porte giye. amar mathaye eshob bojha'r moto buddhi aachhe, ei bhul dharona gulo kyano hoye prof der? anyway, aami r aritra din nei raat nei shudhu sikkim er trekking destinations khNuje berachhi. porikkha jolanjoli. zyata.

Vuv,
I want you to sit in a corner and contemplate your sins. Drunk slut.

bob said...

Dost dost naa rahaaa.....

Bob said...

slut bolli?bhari blog mein?beijjatee?chhii chhi, aur naiyyo ana menu tenu gali.

Elendil said...

*chuckles* Most amusing.

Anonymous said...

If the Mona Lisa is in the Louvre, then where is Hamlet?

This is nothing in comparison to a cult movie of the sci fi genre - Do androids dream of martian sheep aka bladerunner?

rainbeau_peep said...

bob,
amar ki bola uchit? tussi na jao, anjali?
suribba!
piya bewri kothakar.

elendil,
though this be madness, yet there is method in't.

anon,
those electric sheep things were martians? i am blissfully ignorant of sci-fi stuff.
the issue at hand is my impending failure in the lit theory paper. let us channelise our thoughts in that direction, shall we?

uraniainhell said...

so i look hassled eh..which reminds me of my present state of motherofallhasslenss, bloody trip sb not going unsuspecting mom ohhhhh the consciencepricking ,mastersglutting,semesterscrewing trauma of it all...need a bharar middleaged respectable sariclad dignified woman asap...shit shit shit
you write soo well huggsssss

Lahar said...

I was forced to study this junk years back. I feel a sadistic thrill each time I see you young people struggling with it. By the way, my project was "Gramsci, Hegemony and Comic Books: A critique of Tarzan and Phantom".

Incidentally, Blade Runner is not that tough once you get used to it. Anonymous should read the book :-)

rainbeau_peep said...

Fish,
wots the deal with u being in hell all over the internet?! this, the nirvana ..
achha, you have got to relax. we'll figure something out about the prof thing. it's ridiculous to go shopping for middle-aged respectable women to act as profs. anyway, the boys have made it clear they're not taking any girls who've lied to their parents about the trip, so there.
the more important decision to make is where we should go. people are advising against trekking in mid-dec.

lahar,
ur astounding.