Sunday, January 07, 2007

The Peep Show(down) / I Don't Want To *Do The TikiTiki* You

Now, look. I've been blogging for about over a year now, and everyone's been really kind. I swear I haven't got a single hatemail from any of you. I'm cleverly bypassing the fact that you don't find my e-mail anywhere on the blog, of course. But not even an IM telling me to go dump myself in the nearest ditch, or a threat to cut off my fingers so I may never verminate the sacred space that is the blogosphere. Can you believe that? Of course, there was this one anonymous commenter who took offence to what s/he called sexual innuendoes, and said I was trying to make people think I'm really hot [you guys know i'm 5 feet 2 inches and 63 kilos, right? I have 17 strands of visible grey on my head, and have lost count of the acne], and that if I didn't stop with all the sex talk - this was on a post titled "we're all doing eunuchs", I mean, we were, you know, for our Queer Studies term paper, we were researching the lives of hijras, more than one of us, I made that amply clear - then I would lose all my loved ones, and nobody would love me ever again, and I would die a lonely and proud maid. Something of the sort. We became friends after, I think, because s/he apologised and wrote about her/his love life, blessing me with a lifestyle superior to the one s/he had previously painted for me. Which made the sun shine anew.
Incidentally, if you're still around, anon, hullo there! You disappeared as swiftly as you had come! And when I say "come", I swear I mean the synonym for ''arrive''.
And now this. I've been informed today that talking about my uterus and relating on print a conversation [that actually happened] where the word 'labia' was mentioned, makes me sexually frustrated. This, by another friend, apparently concerned for my image. I mean, wuh? In a country where the best-selling sanitary napkin brand is called 'Whisper', and shopkeepers insist on wrapping the packs with newspaper so as to save from embarassment, presumably theirs because certainly not mine, I feel it is important to be able to joke about such things.
Dude. It's real, we have our periods. There's blood loss involved, and no, I'm not embarassed about it. When you're clutching at a hot water bottle, and can see your knuckles and every part of your body go white and cramp up with the pain, there's little else to do but be able to laugh about it.
While we're at it, here's a confession, o cultured indian male, who squirms on seeing the word labia being casually tossed about on a bharotiyo nari's blog, but has no qualms about renting videos to watch bharotiyo or other naris give blowjobs and have intercourse - I've got a t-shirt that has "i'm a vagina warrior" written on it in bold. Oh look, I used *that word*, and guess what, I've got a vagina too! So has your mother. And assuming all went well, you even came out of it. Astounding, huh? When I talk about body parts, or menstruation, it is NOT because I want to be cool, 'cuz hullo? menstrual pain is not cool, it is because it's high time that everyone realised and accepted these things as part of life. And that can happen only when we talk about it as casually as we would, uhm, cornflakes. Now there's going to be some unduly cerebral reader somewhere fabricating a sexual innuendo out of this. I just know there is.
I have no feminist agenda. Heck, I have no agenda of any sort whatsoever on this blog. I write because people keep asking me to update, this blog has for long been far removed from the more significant aspects of my life. I've never wanted to be taken seriously, and my posts have consistently been posts that one is not supposed to take to heart. It's a little alarming therefore, to learn that there are people who think deeply over my writing, and who take out time to draw their conclusions about my sex life from it. Tell me, how does describing an entirely true incident about the purchase and wear of jeans - by another individual, at that - indicate my sexual frustration? Go read that post. Come and tell me if you can make a mundane event like helping a friend button her jeans seem funny, and remain honest, without writing it the way I have. I'm not denying that I have a dirty sense of humour, but I don't see how that is anything to be ashamed of. I still have strangers come and tell me the blog makes them laugh. That's all I'm after, really. But no, OHMYGAWD, a quicksearch indicates SIX places where I've used the word 'SEX'!!!! What a devious, calculating pervert am I, really? Children, stay away. Close your eyes and get away from the pernicious presence of the Peep!!! Because no sex please, we're Indian.
I'm not saying all men do this, but I really want to know, what's it all about? When a woman is expected to behave in a certain manner, to talk about certain things in a certain fashion, and stay away from discussing things like sex [there, I said it again] and God forbid if she jokes about it! Of course, that's because she can't stop thinking about sex now, can she? Let's watch some girl-on-girl action while we discuss her problem, eh?
I've gone on about this long enough. If you think there won't be another post about my protruding belly, or my big behind, or even my bloated uterus, then you don't know me at all. Being able to talk and laugh about our problems, to make light of things that have a socially conditioned tag of taboo attached to them- it doesn't make me sexually frustrated. It shows that I am independent enough and educated enough to be able to discard such illogical tags, to be able to surpass irrational expectations of difference in behaviour between men and women. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in creating a genderless society, there are reasons why men and women have been made differently, we do think and feel differently in a lot of ways - but that doesn't give any one sex the right to demand [or command] more liberality in thought and action than the other. I treat my friends not as male or female, but as friends. And so, when I interrupt a chat session with a male friend to tell him if I don't pee NOW I will wet my pants, it is not because I'm in dire need of a good lay. It is because if I don't pee NOW I will wet my pants.

Excuse me while I powder my nose.


Dhruva said...

Heh, I like your blog.And your sense of humour.Anyhow, people should be convinced je you have periods, like every other normal sexually mature human female.I mean, such a major outburst could only stem from PMS.


Unknown said...

yesh, yesh we all love you n your right wicked style.(I couldn't resist this one....sorry)Every indoctrinated one of us knows that even if a mature female bleeds for 5 days n doesn't die ,its not devilspawn.We all know now that its not a peepshow n you are blessed with an uterus.

P.s.1:Calcium helps during PMS


Teleute said...

What you actually need to do is tell all your readers that you are in fact a man named Claudio that I am desperately in love with. Bas. Finito.

Anonymous said...

i'm a stranger -- virtually -- and i DO like your blog and your sense of humour :-) write on...

Anonymous said...

RB Darling,

You're letting (whoever you have a grouse against) get under your skin. Dont Let Them. You honestly don't need to justify yourself to anybody, certainly not readers of a blog.

We love your blog, by the way. We keep coming back to it, because its good. These allegations against you are archaic rubbish. Don't change the way you write, please.

That said, some cribs with your post.

(1) You ARE hot. 5 ft 2/ 63 kilos notwithstanding.

(2) "I've got a vagina too! So has your mother. And assuming all went well, you even came out of it"

This is clearly discriminatory to Caesarians. We have this deep sense of exclusion.

Love, and Happy New Year,

Unknown said...

Absolutely sizzling rant. Tell em where to get off, girl. And keep coming back with the bile, blood & honey concoction, it rocks.
ps: the blog re jeans was HILARIOUS.

Anonymous said...

did anyone mention uterus?*hath tuley bob lafiye uthlo*(too many painkillers)
i dont know if this makes me perverse, but ever since i started buying my own pads, which, i did at a rather young age, considering i got me periods at a rather young age,i have always made it a point to make sure my voice , demanding my rightfuk pack of pads rings loud and clear above the bhodro gentile clamour of the oshuder dokan, and that the girl who wants to buy "yie,oita" cannot be ignored and served later in a more discreet, 'appropriate' manner.part of my "confidence stemmed from having to bear my mom's, and later my sis's complicity in the absurdity, esp of med shops alredy described in your post.i mean, my mom would actually unprotestingly return with the wrong brand/number of packs simply because she thot it would "look bad" if she drew too much attention to herself considering "aami jeta kinchhilam". and she'd actually make two or more separate trips to two or more separate shops simply coz the shopkeepers and customers would either smirk or raise collective eyebrows at the staggeringly high number of packs she had to buy, her increased demand due to three fertile women in her family,notwithstanding.

since, i have quite nonchalantly taken iver the monthly obligatory trips to the oshuder dokan from mom.
so, once (and sometimes twice) every month, our not-so friendly parar oshudher dokan is treated to their li'l drop of "scandal" when the obese, ugly li'l girl stomps up to their counter and demands, in an unusually loud voice(it's not deliberate-tui janish aamar golata emnitei shNarer moton-its just that i couldnt be bothered to lower my voice);"ACCHA DADA,CHAR PACKET WHISPER ULTRA XL DIN TOH....HAIN HAIN,CHAR PACKET..HAIN CHARTE BORO PACKET..NANA, OGULO NA-XL-XL..OI TOH-OI SOBUJPACKET GULO..LIGHT GREEN, HAIN..NAH PACK KORAR DORKAR NEI..."

and as customers and dada squirm and/or frown, i just walk away, stacks of pad packs in hand.
its silly, but its my own way of making sure we dont pretend away certain basic truths.
hah!i look forward to the day i'll have a reason to go buy condoms!:)

Dipanjan Das said...

post successful


March Hare said...

Chocolates help when you have menstrual cramps.

And oh yes, you ARE hot. Quite. And I am in love with your hair. With the grey and everything.

SwB said...

have i ever told you I love your writing! :)

shine on!

Anonymous said...

All this just to let us know you can err.. whatever in your pants!! Kono maney hoy! I always believed you can anyway. Learn from DD - compressing so much information in just two words :-].

rainbeau_peep said...

u r most kind. however, my dear child, now that you are young and restless and i am neither, let me choose this opportune moment to teach you a lesson in Life. should you at any point in time happen to fall in love with a woman, and should that woman, in a fit of madness, decide to fall in love with you, and you accord all her troubles about this that or the other to PMS; that woman, my dear, will most certainly cease to love you with the wild passion that i am sure you deserve to be loved with. learn from ol' momma Peep, and life shall be but an ice cream sundae.
[not that i'm denying the situational PMS in this case, but that was just a lucky conjecture on your part]. :-D

thanksh, thanksh. the post really wasn't about PMS, you know. but i'm happy that my wickedness causes amusement.

aah. yes. That too. All in good time, my li'l tortilla chip. We shall reveal awl in good time.
[Stopit, I can't tink of an Italian snack other than pizza at the moment]

thanks a lot. some day, alas, you shall come to realise that what i do is write a whole LOT of crap, but till then, we're good. :-]

aww come now. stop being so nice to me, it ruins the very foundation of our fabulous relationship. and no, when it was an anonymous person, i didn't give a damn. but this time it was a friend, and i felt that the misconceptions of the uptight male should be cleared. it's the least one can do.
[1] this post is NOT about whether I'm hot or not. It's also funny how only people who haven't ever seen me decree my hotness. i'm doing something about irresistible mystique that's clearly working here.
[2] that just for the purpose of argument. i'm a Caesarian myself. knowing that i have unleashed trouble in the world from the moment of my birth, is a very satisfying piece of information.

hehe, thanxalot. i often wonder, where would my blog be without numbskulls, acne, and my friends, a number of whom also fall into the first category. :-D

tor lojja kore na, mairi? din er por din tikiti dyakhash na, edike amar blog e mashkabari niye mohabharot likhchhish?!?! tui ekbar college e aaye, tor moja dyakhachhi.
in all fairness, the shopkeepers are more apologetic than rude, at the place where i buy my stuff from. but then that can be annoying too. and ur talking about condoms? try asking them for contraceptive pills. this one time, when i was taking birth control because due to some unfathomable medical process it was going to aid my having a baby later in life- i had to ask the man across the med shop counter to explain why the dosage [or mg or wotever] on the oshudh didn't match the one on my prescription. the way the poor man squirmed. but what was worse was an elderly lady standing next to me, also waiting for her prescription to be filled. she looked at me like i was killing unborn sons of the soil right then and there! egulo bolle lokera bhaabe we're over-reacting, and often i think we've learnt to disregard these incidents as being very trivial ourselves. but perhaps they should be addressed. i don't know.

harami. amar ki bola uchit? i couldn't have done it without u?

darling, chocolates can fix absolutely ANYTHING! if it were socially acceptable, i'd marry a lifetime's supply of Godiva over a man any day.
and, if u think a short, heavily overweight woman with bald patches and a ridiculous number of grey strands on her head is hot, then. well, then i love you. :-[

saltwater blues,
thanks! this is exactly the sort of comment i want to keep reading. :-p

stop taking sides, when u r unaware of the context.
also, send me Tom Brown's School Days NOW! :-]

Dhruva said...

Na na,I'm sure je it's not like that.I'm sure there's the sensibility and passion and all.And I would never blame all such troubles on PMS. Then, methinks, PMS and god would've been very, very similar.(Pardon if I hurt sensibilities, I'm an atheist)
Incidentally, I am young, but hardly restless.Very docile, vegetative, almost, I am. And yes, it might require a fit of madness for a woman to fall in love with me. I will, in such eventualities, remember your advice and accord her troubles only in moderation to PMS...not too few or too many. I will do so because I love icecreams, more or less.


Anonymous said...

sorry honey, uterus brimmeth over--hence the not-so -prolonged absence.
and yes it does need to be, the issue at hand, not my uterus.

nothing said...

err...utterly unrelated, but you want to read Tom Brown's School Days? Why?

*puts on 'unduly cerebral reader' hat*

Nayan said...

Now now.. this is literally becoming a mob cry!! :-O

Liquifier said...

You go girl! This is phataphatee (bang bang shoot shoot) stuff!

Liquifier said...

You go Girl! Phataphatee (bang bang shoot shoot) stuff.

Shion Guha said...

Ms. Raven, why rant? I find your hair and your face to be exceedingly nice.

You should trust me.

I do suffer some trichophillia.

Unknown said...

We've all clapped our hands (re: Peter Pan). next post please.....

Anonymous said...

thanX for letting us know that menstruation exists in short, fat women!!! what's coming NEXT?

Poorna Banerjee said...

Honey, you define heat... with/without your grey hair and big "bo-hind" and 63 kilos...

But then I am biased about you. I love those red lips and smoky, drowsy eyes, and petite, nubile figure.........


Anyway, get your periods problem sorted out... I still think you might have a problem later on. Ok?

Kisses baby... and OH! Whooooooo..... the rant rocked!

Rimi said...

Please, Peepsicola. you CANNIT busy this early into the semester. I know you do not have ND's course. Quit stalling and come post.

(I'm up to here *waves hand over head* with rantable bullshit but I don't rant well. Do it for me?)

Trina said...

i think you are hot.

more importantly(since im still tussling with the shaktishel guy and you are not bi), so does a certain male friend of mine who you do not know. point being, u have secret admirers.not relevant to the post, but still...thought you should be told.:)

Kaichu said...

woman, u shook me out of my lethargy again.... whattarant!! shitshit, tui shala toogood likhis, hum kya bolega bol..

okay, and there are weird people, i agree. i know this woman who has a son and a daughter, and she has practically spent her entire life trying to shield nontushona from such corrupting sights as a sanitary napkin packet, and shock! horror! the sight of his sister's(and mother's) bras and/or panties drying on the washing line. she usually dumps other half-dried clothes over the offending articles to hide 'em from view. i mean, seriously!!!

so yes, my lovely, this post WAS necessary, because more ppl like her exist than we'd like to believe..

P.S. the "lovely" was fully meant. you're one of the hottest people in JUDE, and there are a fair no. of hot girls in there, thank you. get used to it :P

rainbeau_peep said...

eki, na na, balai shaat! may women turn cartwheels in excitement at the sight of you, for ever'n'ever amen.

i'm reminded of the Holy Grail. don't ask me why, cuz darned if I know!

still dancer,
i want to do a queer reading of the text and castigate TB's friendship with arthur[?] as sinfully homosexual, and thereby declare the book entirely unfit for reading by impressionable young minds whose sole purpose in life should be to carry forth their lineage.
in short, i want a pat on the back from the Vatican.
in shorter, wtf, i just wanna read it, dude?!
in shortest, it's a prescribed text for my children's lit optional.
i'm a froot loop, i am.

u still drop by! that's good to know, really. also, did u know that ur actually a real person and not a cartoon mouse with a large front tooth?!

thanxalot! i see u've linked me too, thenkew! we don't know each other, do we?

however flattered i may be, that wasn't the point of the post.
i shall coldly ignore that thing about trichophillia because i haven't the vaguest notion what it might mean. no time to look it up, cuz i'm running late. If ur trying to say you're bald too, then welcome to the club, the password's toupe.
oh, and the stormling [Warped Spiral?] and i are now acquainted. she's awl kinds of pretty, isn't she? i'd like to know what happened to that blog of hers, though.

sando genji,
shutup now.

don't let this alarm you, but menstruation has been known to exist in tall, thin women as well. *shock!horror!*
devious, them things.

jahsala. i mean, it's all very nice to want to write prosaic'ly n awl, but i'm gonna have to set you straight here - my lips are a perfect smoker's purple and you know that. i distinctly remember you hounding me with an evil tube of lipstick one ominous day. and petite? petite?!?!?! ok, i'm not even going to try and correct that.
kind though you are, the post really wasn't written with the purpose of having the reading public up in arms trying to vouchsafe my hotness. :-]
(not that i'm complaining, of course)

rimi martini,
i do have ND's course, and it's a core at that. and of course i yam busy - oh yes, by all means, without a doubt i yam.
and u shutupnow about not ranting well. i can just see you looking the monitor in the eye, your mouth curled up in an unfathomable half-smile - a pause, the world comes to a standstill, and then a victorious yip - a possessed Rimi, delirious with creativity plays a concerto of words on the keyboard, and before we know it, another eminently entertaining and readable post is made! so go forth and be pro-creative! [you know]
*excuse me wont you, my mind is out of order*

dhyat. oboshyo lajuk 'ish' bola uchit chhilo. it really wasn't about whether i'm hot or not - maane, the post. lol, never mind.
i met *why are we calling him 'the shaktishel guy' suddenly?* at rabindra sadan the other day. achha, are we bumping into each other at versedance?

first things first. in a parallel universe, if we were gay and you were single, i'd ask you to marry me.
secondly, nontushona is going to have some serious issues when he grows up and comes into the shongsporsho of wimmin.
he's also going to be very bad in bed, i think. not that i can support my claim. just a thought.

Shion Guha said...

Ms. Raven.

I just happen to like hair. scalp hair. A lot. Really.

Your hair has a good texture. Notwithstanding the greyness, which is good. signifies age and maturity.

Pat Pat.

I might feel up your hair one day. Watch out. :d

Trina said...

na generally, no reason.rather warlike he is now, tai bodhoi. na re versedance hobe na, shaktishel and i will be in shantiniketan ... last ditch attempt to find peace and enlightenment together, before he is hurled to england. will see u when i get bk next week.

Anonymous said...

"you guys know i'm 5 feet 2 inches and 63 kilos, right? I have 17 strands of visible grey on my head, and have lost count of the acne" -- Like all Indian Males, I don't care. I guess i will stop reading your blog from now on.

rainbeau_peep said...

anc the black,
now that i have looked up trichophilia, you stay away from my hair, u perv! :-o
and it doesn't have good texture, because my hairdresser says i should go show my head to a doc.

the scalp, that is.

yes yes, hopefully successful peace talks hochhe. if there's shanti in the name, you know you've made a good start.
best of luck to you both.

but you do care, don't you, if my appearance makes you dismiss my writing? you'd be far more justified rejecting it for appalling grammar, though.
anyhow, what can i say? i shall shed an imaginary tear at the loss of a reader, and with a heart-wrenching sigh will mark another bar on my statistic of Indian Males not captivated by my earth-shattering looks.

Anonymous said...

bhaggish notun post ta delete korl!me was wandering why the mota was hankering after ruti when she could have cake!;)

Anonymous said...

i want cake now:(. and ruti.:(

rainbeau_peep said...

oshobhyota egulo.

eto khye-khye korish na. tor jey ki korey biye debo ei chintaye raater ghum choley gyalo amar.

KingSlayer said...

That was hilarious! I hope people keep pissing you off about stuff so there can be more posts like that!

Talking about this strange embarassment felt by the shopkeepers while handing the pads over, living in Bombay I never experienced that. But, I did notice a remarkable hush-hush mannerism when I moved to Bangalore. I think it shows a huge sexist complex. I should probably hastily clarify here that I have never needed these pads myself (if King and Slayer does not clarify it enuff) but have run the errand a few times. The Bangalore shop-wallas often surprised me with their acute embarassment if me or the lady with me voices our need for whichever brand of pads are required. And then, they would only give us the package after having carefully wrapped it in paper, and then placed it inside a dark, opaque plastic bag. Then we would proceed to open the carefull package up to confirm that its the right brand of course.

Kaichu said...

oh nontushona has gaarlfraendz. two of 'em. at the same time. and tacit consent from mommydarlingdearest, too. she prolly imagines they come to play scrabble with him. not that he possibly can play scrabble, but vutevvr.