Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Ctrl D

I don't understand when people say "move on". Move on to? To whom? Funny thing, this love. Funny, how it's always the same story. You never move on, unless to move on to the same expression, the same emotions, those same three words exchanged like a cliched quotation, but a different body. Funny. Frightening. I sit in the auto and next to me I hear a man speaking the same words that have been said to me. Four times over. Love as duplication.
We love like it's for ever. Every time. Is that moving on? It's never forever, because there you are with your watch in your hand and you're thinking, this is not it. I've been here before, and it's been better. Time to move on. I've done it myself, too often. And now, when I hear at one place that marriage is about retaliation and at another that love is mystique, I sit back and wonder at the smarminess of it all, while I'm sipping my coffee and writing this, thinking about you, and how, right now, you are saying to someone else those things you once said, and claimed to feel, for me. I don't blame you. I've done it myself.
So, while you repeat, unrepentant, excuse me for repenting and refusing to repeat.

And you, if I cannot tell you I love you, know that it is because I don't.

'I want you to come to me without a past. Those lines you've learned, forget them. Forget that you've been here before in other bedrooms in other places. Come to me new. Never say you love me until that day when you have proved it.' - Jeanette Winterson.

Don't tell me to move on. Don't tell me to get over it, because 'it' was a person I loved, 'it' was the way I changed my life just so I could fit snugly into yours.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

What is CTRL D?
CTRL Z should be undo.
CTRL C should be copy.
CTRL V should be paste.

CTRL D would just give you back the desktop!

Anonymous said...

oh no! it is Windows D ..mishtake!

"sen"sational said...

:)
*ponders*

kaichu said...

chup i thaklam.

bhalo thakish, boss.

Bob said...

this jeanette winterson person makes sense. you, on the other hand, ...

phik.just being me, yur.

Rapid I Movement said...

"Finished with my woman coz she couldn't help me with my mind."

Here, have some mod.

Btw, ahem, iye, have you seen Before Sunrise? Okhaddo movie, but somewhere there there's this nice bit on oi "moving on" and how we don't realise how painful it is to the people we do it to, until someone does it to us too. But, but, I digress.

Trina said...

thanks. kemon achish? onekdin holo...

kpowerinfinity said...

Ctrl D - End of File. Neat.

An allegory I could have never thought of.

rainbeau_peep said...

anon,
hehe. no, on the software i work with, quarkxpress, ctrl d on any item box, gives a duplicate of that particular item. so one click, and u have the same basic model, but its contents/components, its position on the template etc are yours to alter. a lot like love, i figured. strange how the littlest things can trigger completely unrelated associations in the mind, though.

bambi,
:-p
*i recommend you quit pondering. the more you ponder, the more you will realise that my powers of bullshitting are limitless.*

kaichu,
mairi! make considerations for the likelihood that the post is entirely fictive! boddo seriously niye felish tora, amar blog taake.

bob,
damn! i hate being understood! :-p
however, to take a silly point further, winterson, though she writes like a dream ... uhm, ok ... she writes like a dream, just that. it's unreasonable to expect a person to negate or to disacknowledge their past. it would be ideal, yes, but unreasonable, possibly even impracticable. how do you erase events that have affected the person you are today, or if not even so much, just events that have moved you deeply, or stirred very strong emotions within you?
oboshyo, some people can. the stoics? hmm. ki confusing. (ki confused)

stuntmaster,
first off, i can't believe you're mentioning something as uhm ... grotesque (yes! yes! grotesque!) as black sabbath, with a movie as deeply poetic, almost ethereal, as Before Sun.. oh, wait. no, i haven't seen Before Sunrise, i have seen the sequel, Before Sunset, though. this is where they meet in Paris, 9 years after Vienna. it's one of my favourites, for the screenplay. anyway, there they talk about how, after you've broken up, "moved on", suddenly you'll remember the tiniest things about the other person - just a particular way they looked, or the way their lips moved .. or the way they smelt.
ok, now I think i'm making things up. khyak. but i think it was something like that.
ki unmadona.

trina,
baba go. aami to borte gelam comment ta peye. kotobar bhaablam tomake janai jey oi bernarda alba'r photo ta oshadharon capture korechhe tomaye, kintu tumi to maane, iye, khepchurious types hoye aachho. :-[
mitrachi kirom proceed korchhe? aami sherom holey office ketey dekhte aashbo!
(amar opor raag komlo?)

kpowerinfinity,
lol, oh look, another computer engineer. uhm, no, it wasn't an allegory i'd thought of either. :-D
primarily because i didn't know ctrl d was a command for end of file. on quark, it's the command for duplication.

numb said...

hmmmmmmmm u kinda stole the words outta my mouth....beautifully put!!!

panu said...

the dice was loaded from the start....