At a seedy nightclub
Shaggy: Hullo! I'm gay now!
Me *whoa? this is the first time we're speaking. Also, you were so screwing some women I know*: Oh? Heh. Uh...heh. How does that feel? *for lack of much else to say*
Shaggy: Oh, I don't know.
Me: Uh, but .. I mean ... aren't you supposed to know? I mean, you know, with the shift in perspective .. and all.
Shaggy: I've realised that the greatest love is self-love. So I just love myself. Say, can I have your number?
Me: Ok, waitaminit. You think you're gay because you love yourself? Dude, I hate to break this to you, but in the heterosexual world that's called masturbation, and straight men totally do it too.
Shaggy: *breaks into incomprehensible poetry*
I keep stupendous company these days.
At the gym, a place in distant memory
Lady who smiles in greeting every time we meet: Are you almost done?
Me *getting off crosstrainer* : Yea. *in a hushed whisper* Be careful though, the man on the treadmill has terrible gas!
Lady *stony stare* : That's my husband.
Me: Oh? Uhm! Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. *fake apologetic grin* Well, maybe it's the boy on the left, then?
Lady: *looking fearsome, as though she will slap me long and hard with not a moment to lose*
Me *catching on after an uncomfortable silence*: Uh. Your son?
Lady *goggle-eyed and spitting fire*: My brother! *stomps off. understandably*
I am never going back there. Never. Ever. I'd rather be fat and socially acceptable than fit and socially handicapped.
In other news
I need slippers. Posh, but cheap.
" " pretty clothes that make me look less-fat. "Slim" - no can do no mo.
" " my sense of humour back.
" " to do something about the fucking exhaustion and my bloody eyes.
" " " figure out the conundrum that makes 30-something single men with very broad shoulders think I'm 35 years old while 20-something DJs dedicate "Sexy back" (and a song that goes "if i lick your ice cream will you lick my lollipop?" but we're not talking about that any more. kids these days) to me.
I need to bring sexy back, mairi. Starting tomorrow, I eat only cream crackers. My double chin now extends upto my effing ears. Everytime I tilt my head I feel this great wave of fat waddling to the side. I mean, I've always had that in the hip area, but this is new. And not nice at all. Crackers, I tell you.
Explain to me why I just spent five hundred bucks on chocolate, though.