Friday, October 05, 2007

Shadows, signs and wonders

There's a lot of chocolate in the story of my life.

I paid the tana-rickshawalla extra because I told him, "Dada, ojon [only, I said 'ozun' because I couldn't remember 'wazan' or whatever the Hindi for weight is] jasti hai?" and he laughed,"aarey .. heh heh heh," and I was glad for the evasion. Also, he was very old, and didn't drop me once, like he promised he wouldn't.
New Market in this pre-pujo rush? NO. DON'T. Except that molesting shoe-shop person is too busy for his tricks, which is a good thing. While a million people crammed Shreeram Arcade looking for just the popular sort of tacky, I hid in a bookshop. Oh, and some Hindi, wouldn't you say?
I heart Anokhi. Hideously expensive clothes, but they play to the large woman's sentiments. I bought pants that were a size medium. I am NOT a size medium. Any more. Ah, pity.
I was told I'm "touchy" about my weight. I am not "touchy" about my weight. Merely aware.
This blogpost? It's called commitment. Because there are plenty of things I have given up on, and every other day I'm this close to giving up on this, but then I tell myself, no. I can do this. Look at me, such willpower. Such fucking strength of character. It's easy to forget something you have no use for any more. I will fucking prove that theory wrong.
Not that I'm stubborn or anything. Nono.
Look, I'm not whining, OK? Go away.
The mirror is such a cliche. I look into the mirror and the woman who stares back at me has no mouth and red eyes. Ok sofine, that's the conjunctivitis.
Wot ev ver, bad joke. Bad cliche. Boo.
Walking bothers me these days. I'm always afraid I'm going to fall. It's not a weight thing at all.
Khub exasperating, Ma Kali bolchhi.
I'd love to tell the story like it happened, but you never can, can you? Reality is just so .. very ... layered? Mottled? Both.
I'm going through that phase - the wotthefuck-wherethefuck-howthefuck.
I'm so glad for fuck. Releases me.
Lissen you pervs, that wasn't a sexual innuendo.

In college they're playing a corridor cricket series. And I wake up dreaming of jstor. Disconcerting, that.

There is an imagined future. Do you have one? What do you do when you know it shan't come true?
Look away. Sweep it under the carpet. Search for alternatives.
I will. It's been too long. I will.

OH!!! Listen!!!! Haleem at Aliyah! Dudes. Come eat with me. It is sexual satisfaction.
Now pretend I scratched out that last sentence because, my life? Totally not so lame.

11 comments:

numb said...

Haleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem!!! yummy!! Us motus must stick together.accha tell...what is there in lif if not great food?its not worth living...atleast for me.I was tellin someone the other day that I'm truly happy when im eating.... sounds sad doesnt it?picture of a fat gurl with mountains of food to feel better.but hey look closely-she looks sooooo happy.....fuck i love being fat n eating like a pig! AMEN!!!

DD said...

kyalabo.

kaichu said...

ore hini re hini..

shala amreekar bachha hebbi jwalachhe. Koddur hobe toh jaana achhe, britha chesta, ityadi iyadi. Ar internet phire paoya celebrate korlam tor notun blogpost pore. Eta at east hebbi moja chilo.


zankoo boss. ae kanna ta kom. conjunctivitis, indeed!

kaichu said...

next friday, haleem date. no negotiations.

konodin-o khai ni, bishon ichhe but. byas, ar toke chharbo bhebechhish? aar since this marriage is going nowhere very fast, mebbe zat is vot we need to provide ze necessary , erm, spark? wotsay, woman?

rainbeau_peep said...

numb,
i hear you, girl. except that emotional eating, other than being just really pathetic, makes shopping for jeans a fucking pain in the ass. literally.
anyhoo, ekdin choley aaye, the haleem here is seriously mindblowing. [if you don't mind the flatulence after.]

DD,
oma. shaky.
"ki odbhaut". :-D

kaichu,
guru. chokh rangano boleo to ekta kotha aachhe, na ki rey bawa? raag o to hotey paare, shudhu ki fyach fyach korte hobe naki? nehaat dd'r shonge perthhom alap hotei bhNya korey kNede felechhilam, ta bole ki toder shonge sharakkhon kNaadchhi naki aami? :-p reputation ta'r baapma hariye dili.
achha, friday kintu haleem er last day bole dilam. ashbi to simply eshe por shokole, 3ter por pawa jaaye, max 6ta obdhi. and oi amreeka puro tuchho. tui na pele ki parar pintu paabe bhebechis?

rainbeau_peep said...

Kaichuuuuuu!!!!!
aila!!!!
tor jommodin to aaj!!!
dara toke wish kori.

hrileena said...

You dream of JSTOR?!

March Hare said...

DD'r songe prothom dekhay bhnya!? :O :O

Ki kando mairi!
Kano? :O

Kaan mule diechilo? Chul tene diechilo? Mukh bhengiyechilo? Chocolate kere niechilo? :O

Amake keu haleem er nemontonno kore na. :(

Confused & Baffled said...

willpower! i inspired!

kaichu said...

comment duto pore aar pujo-e protidin tor songe beriye (yes!! yess!!) mon pran bhore gelo...

ke bole prithibi-te prem beche nei?

=D

rainbeau_peep said...

Hrileena,
I kid you not. :-[

march hare,
protyek ta jinish. multiplied by 2. [nono. it was not him. it was Bapu]
aare mairi, aami to shokolke invite korechhilam. free for all! anyway, next time personally toke invite korbo, ok?

confused and baffled,
huh? ok. thankew.

kaichu,
ki dangerous passyon.