Dudes, sleep. It is the luxury of those who keep sane company. What with one lot of people with real relationships that are in shambles, and the other lot who keep having relationships that are all in their heads – my life is pretty full right now.
Excuse me, large women of the world. Please come together in a round table meet where we discuss the prospects of my ever walking into a shop all tralala and walking out of it, still tralala, but with a pair of ossum jeans that make my ass look nice and my thighs look notgross. Because what is the point of being large if you can’t tell the whole world about it, and discuss and analyse it yet never once consider going to the gym for it. Correct. So anyway, I’ve needed a pair of jeans ever since this blog was born. Children, that is not good. On Saturday then, I shall set out, sagging belly in one hand, and brand new plastic card in the other, and shop for jeans. I cannot even begin to explain how momentous this event is.
The trouble with winter is, what with all the moisturising, you can’t quite ignore issues like surface area. Ok wotever. Seriously, I want recommendations for jeans that look nice on fat people. I need brands, and don't say Levi's. Levi's jeans are too thick. Me no like. You wouldn’t either if you kept scraping the skin off your fingers every time you had to pull your thick jeans on, which, even though you bought them 3 months ago, are now so tight you have to lie on your back and do a complicated wiggle, because your ass? It grows exponentially. So Levi’s is out. Don’t say Guess, because I have seen those mannequins, and they could do with some fried chicken. I am ethically against entering a shop that has irrationally skinny mannequins. Tell me other brands. Quick now.
In other news, I will never get a tattoo. Or go bungee jumping. And there is absolutely no way for you to prove that I’ve been blogging from work.