Friday, December 28, 2007

Year-ender

It's been a year of big changes. There was the job, of course - huge change. Imagine waking up and feeling like shit - because you never were much of a ray of sunshine, now, were you? - and not being able to go awl, "Fuckit, I couldn't give a damn about a lecture on Samuel Pepys when my life is falling apart." Which is pretty much the theatre that played all 4 shows right through my college life. Now I go to work because that is what one does. It's been a year or doing what one ought - since July, at least. I'm not complaining, but funny though, how there still isn't much by way of order or discipline. Must be the exuberant company I keep.
Perhaps, it's all the growing up (and out) that I've been doing. Despite all the tumult there's been a certain numbness of thought. Things have happened, as they are wont to. But I find I take things in my stride more easily now. Something that would affect me deeply some months ago, ceases to now. Maybe it's the kind of training my job gives me. In the face of despair, file a copy.
I'd call it cynicism, but it isn't. Because I feel so liberated by it. It is a very unforced detachment from things. I would be worried if I'd stopped being able to love. That hasn't happened. Sometimes though, I wish it would. It must be the growing older that makes one appreciate beautiful paradoxes.
Around me, people wager their hearts this holiday season while mine beats just like yesterday, hole n all. An ordinary miracle, I don't ask for much.

I've had an eventful year. Gimme another one of those, please. With a dash of lime and some dancing. Have a great year ahead, all of you.

17 comments:

panu said...

ei mairi ei je tui amake bolli tui humko pyar karta has... seta tobe ki be? mairi, amake bhalo na bashle ami kintu ranna kobbo na!!

*pout*

I know what its like. Tui bishshash na korleo. Somehow I do.

Bob said...

easy spontaneous detachment can be very liberating. i agree.had an average year myself,all things considered.

Bob said...

I have lost my ability to detach at will, i find. A good portion of self sufficiency, resultantly. Most annoying.

sandman said...

And I'm searching for a new way ,new life in an insane new city.

You have a good year ahead!

kaichu said...
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kaichu said...

It has been a year of PEOPLE, for me. I was inundated.

Some have stayed on till the end, some have stopped mattering much. I'm glad tui prothom category-te.

Do you remember me asking you (at the first Princeton-and-sleepover thing we had at DP) about how one gets to be in touch with you? I still remember the look of amazement on your face, but you seemed unapproachable, then.

:o)

Kintu oi shyness attacks gulo majehe majhe hoi, akhono, hothat. She-din i toh dekhli. Oi are ki, I am like this only. A big pain in the butt.

(and 'pain', btw, is French for bread. Got me thinking, that. Hehe.)

Dhruva said...
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Dhruva said...

<3 <-- Plis to note the fine gap that divides in two what might have otherwise resembled a heart. Also, I'll hopefully continue to exist as my patched-up self.

panu said...

shala husband!! How dare you show heart things to other wimmin but me!! I divorce thee!!

sandman said...
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rainbeau_peep said...

panu,
eki olokkhune kotha. chaw ekta pignig kori shobai miley. ranna korbo ek shonge. by which i mean, tui aar lily rNaadhbi. aami, kaichu aar pablo khabo. oboshyi i have no equal in dim bhaja.

bob,
i know of one hirsuit individual of gentle disposition who would take offence at your calling it an average year.
and you're in love. the trees sing, the birds dance - there's no question of detaching at will. i can go on and on about how everything that touches you becomes a part of you and like lofty statements. I've been reading sanskrit plays. it's all they ever talk about. the lotus weeps, the sun grins from ear to ear, the clouds do the salsa. all the bleddy time.

sandman,
you'll find your way. through the smoke rings blown by hyderabadi rockers shall you find your epiphany, my child.

kaichu,
khyak. "french for bread" to amar blog header chhilo for a month. and don't tell me about those shyness attacks of yours. most disconcerting, having you sit there all a-blush. i know i have my guard up all the time, i don't mean any offence, it's just how i get by. i'd rather listen, than talk. because when you reveal yourself to a person, you have certain expectations of ... i dunno ... approval? acceptance? wanting people to give a damn? most often they don't. my whole life is centred around rejecting the possibility of rejection. i'd rather not let that situation arise at all. better to not have anyone know who i really am. i've done this for so long, i actually have no clue who i am any more.
so when YOU have those strange attacks next time, think of what a freak I am. :-D Also, this reminds me I haven't returned your call yet. ki kando.

lily,
i tried and tried, but couldn't come up with anything sufficiently mean to say. the raggedy ol' heart, it melts at your sweetness. you have a good year, love.

panu,
eta koto nombor divorce?
pagli, tomar shonge coco au vin jeebon katabo;
pagli, tomar shonge chocolate eclair katabo jeebon? :-p

panu said...

mairi!! achha shantih tipbo na beshi... ami ekhon blondie... so can do whatever.

kaichu said...

Isshh, ei blog title ta hebbi nostalgic, it was the one you had when I read your blog for the first time, sitting at BCL, of all places, making weird faces and sounds trying to hold the laughter in. i think I told you this, kono ak din. I even remember where (standing in front of JUDE noticeboard, with Shutki. tui were looking suitably flabbergasted while taking in that ppl even read your blog in BCL)

tui mairi hebbi funny. among other things.

also, scarily similar you are. bhetore bhetore, I mean, kaaron toke ar amake dekhe je outwardly similar bole she goru.(this refers to your reply to my first comment.) except that blog comment spaces are not the best places for revealing 'under ka mamla'. Ahem.

I'll wait for the picnic.

Tygr Tygr Burning Bright said...

if you dont post i promise to squeeze you in person

Tygr Tygr Burning Bright said...

if you dont post not only will i squeeze you in person i will also meet you at some social do where we seem to bump into each other and recount most excruciatingly embarrassing stories of jude and drip to your "eminent company".

rainbeau_peep said...

panu,
chukkor.

kaichu,
I don't know if we're similar, but I'd be glad if we were. You're incredible in too many ways. Exhausting, only sometimes. :-p

tygr,
said "embarrassing stories", a.k.a. lies, damn lies, have been recounted to and lapped up with relish by "eminent company". Bleddy scandalmongering bachcha things.

Acroyali said...

identify with the detachment feel. don't know if it liberates me, just.. more like a switch off.

work is just the way you put it. no freedom to bunk as you will. which is why i'm going back to college for a masters :)