It's been a year of big changes. There was the job, of course - huge change. Imagine waking up and feeling like shit - because you never were much of a ray of sunshine, now, were you? - and not being able to go awl, "Fuckit, I couldn't give a damn about a lecture on Samuel Pepys when my life is falling apart." Which is pretty much the theatre that played all 4 shows right through my college life. Now I go to work because that is what one does. It's been a year or doing what one ought - since July, at least. I'm not complaining, but funny though, how there still isn't much by way of order or discipline. Must be the exuberant company I keep.
Perhaps, it's all the growing up (and out) that I've been doing. Despite all the tumult there's been a certain numbness of thought. Things have happened, as they are wont to. But I find I take things in my stride more easily now. Something that would affect me deeply some months ago, ceases to now. Maybe it's the kind of training my job gives me. In the face of despair, file a copy.
I'd call it cynicism, but it isn't. Because I feel so liberated by it. It is a very unforced detachment from things. I would be worried if I'd stopped being able to love. That hasn't happened. Sometimes though, I wish it would. It must be the growing older that makes one appreciate beautiful paradoxes.
Around me, people wager their hearts this holiday season while mine beats just like yesterday, hole n all. An ordinary miracle, I don't ask for much.
I've had an eventful year. Gimme another one of those, please. With a dash of lime and some dancing. Have a great year ahead, all of you.